it’s all muted blue
the walls,
the love,
the sunflowers,
and there are no colors to paint it over
i cannot find them
it has been 5109 days
and i might just start counting again
it has been 1309 days
and it might just be the last
what is will?
the fox died some time ago
and the sunflowers are wilting too
what is purpose?
if the music doesn’t feel alive
the words are only a collection of jumbled letters
and i only see blue at the end of the tunnel
– gretchen gomez
to the conversations i replay in my head,
here’s what i’d say instead:
1. what’s the point of you even trying to get to know me when you already made up your mind about me? you think i’m going to sit here and waste my time trying to convince you of who i am? you’re so stuck on me being where i’m from and the fact that i’m bipolar. so what if you read some fucking poems? stop calling me crazy. i already know that. i don’t need you or anybody reminding me of that.
2. people are always saying they belong to the moon. that they’re moon children. well i’m not. i stay up with the moon but i’ve never belonged to her. i am a sun child. i just always end up hiding from the light that loves me and run with the darkness instead. because as soon as something good like light comes into my life, i expect it to abandon me right at the moment that i’m vulnerable. so i hide in the shadows of the moon instead because it’s so much easier. to not deal with the pain, you know?
3. i love you. i’ve waited a long time to tell you that.
4. i don’t like using terms of endearment anymore. it’s too personal and then men think i’m taking whatever we have way too seriously. i mean ask the men who i write poems about. i call them baby in my poems more than i fucking call them that in real life. wait, that means they would have to know the poems are about them. oh yikes. okay.
5. you should stop looking for me. if you wouldn’t have married the side chick, the woman that you cheated on me with, then maybe your life wouldn’t have been as messy. but you know what? you men never learn to stop fucking with a woman like me. i didn’t send anyone to fuck up your car but i’m glad that shit happened. you know how me and karma roll.
6. me being accepting of who i am and my sexuality isn’t going to damage your goddamn reputation or your image. don’t even mention me as your family member if you’re so embarrassed of me. i could care less who’s coming into the picture now, i’m not changing who i am for anyone. it took me years of self-sabotaging, of hating my body, of all this reckless abandon to finally….finally being okay with the woman i am, and you think i’m going to change that now? might as well start laughing now cause jokes on you.
7. if aliens came knocking on my door right now, i’d ask them to take me with them. i’d beg them to leave this planet because there’s nothing here for them but a bunch of morons. anyways, you mentioned deja vu. i think we experience it because there’s a parallel universe and sometimes we did something at the same time as our parallel that caused deja vu. i wonder what my parallel is doing. i wonder if she’s with that guy i always dreamed of being with one day. i hope she’s having a good time. i hope he’s getting her sunflowers. i hope she took him to south street seaport.
8. i’m so sorry about your dad dying. he was an amazing man. this isn’t fair at all. please let me know if you need anything, if there’s any way i can help. i want this pandemic to die just like you do. i’m sorry. i really am. is your mom okay? how’s your son holding up? here’s my number.
9. you feel like you don’t know me because you realized that i am more than my poems? wow. imagine that? being a person outside of the art? being a whole ass human being outside of a few words that i string along? being this complex woman who’s more than her heartache and the fight against women? being fun? did you think you were meeting someone broken that you needed to fix? because that’s condescending and utterly disrespectful for you to assume that i’m just a walking trauma.
10. tell me what you want. be specific. tell me so i won’t make mistakes when i see you. so i won’t push myself away when you tell me no. like can i choke you while i bite your lips and i’m straddled onto your hips? can we hold hands? can we just be? because i’ve made the decision that this time, i’m going to be very open with you.
– gretchen gomez
Hey there! It’s been a long time and tough times have brought me here. Currently being stuck at home during this pandemic means no work, no performances (spoken word), no socializing, etc. And so I’ve been finding myself reading a lot more than usual. I truly do miss blogging and here we are.
In the month of March I read 9 books and DNFed 2 books. The title of the books will link you to the goodreads page
My favorite reads this month were House of Blood and Earth, Depression & Other Magic Tricks, and Undercover Bromance. I’m so happy that I gave Sarah J. Maas another shot. She has definitely grown as a writer, the diversity felt organic, and I really believe that Adult Fantasy is her genre to write. She has so much freedom and it was just *chef’s kiss*, I cannot wait to read the other parts of this series. It ended great but I can’t wait to see what happens.
Depression & Other Magic Tricks was a complete fave! What a poetry collection. I resonated and connected so much. Not only with her themes but with how she writes too. Undercover Bromance was another amazing book for me. I read that within 24 hours. I loved it so much. It was hilarious and deep too. I can’t wait for the third book because I also loved the first.
When I had originally found out that Wild at Heart (Wild #2) by K.A. Tucker was coming out, I was super excited and surprised as well. Surprised because I thought The Simple Wild ended perfectly. I read 120 pages of Wild at Heart before giving up on it. I couldn’t do it. The main character was annoying me and I’m not in the mood to continue reading about a character is keeps making my eyes roll lol.
Then there’s Writers & Lovers by Lily King. I was really excited about this book. I actually like the writing. However, it was a scene in this book that did it for me. This small scene that scarred me. There are certain things that I cannot read at all. It’s not a trigger warning per se, it’s just a personal thing.
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Waiting on Wednesday is a weekly meme hosted by Breaking The Spine. Every Wednesday you discuss a book that you are highly anticipating.
Release Date: June 16, 2020
Publisher: Berkley
Genre: Historical Fiction
In 1935 three women are forever changed when one of the most powerful hurricanes in history barrels toward the Florida Keys in New York Times bestselling author Chanel Cleeton’s captivating new novel.
Everyone journeys to Key West searching for something. For the tourists traveling on Henry Flagler’s legendary Overseas Railroad, Labor Day weekend is an opportunity to forget the economic depression gripping the nation. But one person’s paradise can be another’s prison, and Key West-native Helen Berner yearns to escape.
The Cuban Revolution of 1933 left Mirta Perez’s family in a precarious position. After an arranged wedding in Havana, Mirta arrives in the Keys on her honeymoon. While she can’t deny the growing attraction to the stranger she’s married, her new husband’s illicit business interests may threaten not only her relationship, but her life.
Elizabeth Preston’s trip from New York to Key West is a chance to save her once-wealthy family from their troubles as a result of the Wall Street crash. Her quest takes her to the camps occupied by veterans of the Great War and pairs her with an unlikely ally on a treacherous hunt of his own.
Over the course of the holiday weekend, the women’s paths cross unexpectedly, and the danger swirling around them is matched only by the terrifying force of the deadly storm threatening the Keys.
ANOTHER HISTORICAL FICTION NOVEL BY CHANEL CLEETON?!?! DON’T MIND IF I DO!!!!! I’ve read both Next Year In Havana and When We Left Cuba. Both were 5 star novels. Chanel just knows how to write. Not only does she write an amazing story, she knows how to write characters, plots, and she’s spot on with the History. I have no doubt in my mind that this book will be anything but amazing. June seems so far off but with the way the year is going, it’ll be here in no time.
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Hey all! This year has gone by so quick. I cannot believe we’re in November. And I also can’t believe its daylight savings. Bleh. Time to fight seasonal depression even harder now lol. Anyways! I had a pretty good reading month. I read 7 books!!! I don’t remember the last time I read that many books lol. I am so surprised with how much I’ve been reading this year because I was in a huge slump all of 2018. Now let’s get to the month!
For October, I had skipped BOTM (book of the month) box because none of the picks interested me. However, I did pick up these two poetry collections (Submerge and Hermosa) that I happened to read on the same month which makes me really happy. I don’t like leaving books I buy unread for too long because then I forget them, lose interest, and never read them. This happens 9.5 out of 10 times lol. And you know, just trying to break habits here.
If you don’t know, I am a huge fan of the singer Alina Baraz. I love her voice and lyrics. It’s been some time since she came out with a song and the song that she happened to release literally made me cry. The lyrics are pretty much how 2019 has been to me personally. The song is titled To Me.
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Hey there friends! As per usual, September is like Christmas for my family and I. A lot of birthday celebrations (including mines), parties, etc. Therefore, in September, I rarely if ever get any reading done. It’s been like this for years since I’ve been an avid reader. I just always find myself doing something other than reading on my free time.
For today’s post I’ll be talking about what I read, books I acquired, and what I did on my birthday!!! (in that order)
This was my Book of the Month selections for September. I have only read one of the three. In my previous post, I had mentioned wanting to read This Tender Land and The Last Time I Lied. However, laugh out loud, that was clearly a joke. I do plan on getting to those in October though. While writing this post, I am 50 pages into The Last Time I Lied by Riley Sager which I am thoroughly enjoying. And so far, October, has been a pretty good reading month for me.
Like I always say every month, if you’re ever interested in BOTM, please let me know. I can send you my referral link and we both get a free book!
This section is going to get a little personal. I turned 30 on September 20th. For those of you who don’t know, I have always hated birthdays. September is actually a very hard month for me mentally and emotionally. I wrote a poem about that, here it is if you want to get a sense of what I mean:
I didn’t want a birthday celebration. I dislike parties. And this was a welcoming of a new decade while saying goodbye to my 20’s. I wrote a poem about that too!
I took this birthday into my own hands and booked myself and my mami a flight to Las Vegas. In reality, we really went for the Grand Canyon (#1 on my bucket list) because that’s where I wanted to spend my birthday and I ended up doing just that. Among other things of course!
I had such an amazing time out there. I drove two hours to get there and I was emotional. This is something I’ve been wanting to do since I’ve seen photos of the Canyon (for years). I knew it was going to be an experience. Once we reached over a mountain while driving and saw the Grand Canyon, I started CRYING. Mami was clearly nervous because I was driving. However, the energy, the peace, the cleansing of soul is something that I cannot describe word for word, it simply needs to be felt and experienced. For the first time, I told myself “this is how every birthday should feel like, a welcoming.” And it most definitely was! I loved how I started off my 30th birthday!
While driving to the Grand Canyon we made a scenery stop and saw this beauty:
After spending the day at the Grand Canyon and getting back to Vegas, we went to a birthday dinner at this amazing Cuban Restaurant (Cuba Cafe). The day after, we decided to go to Hoover Dam, Lake Mead, and Red Rock Canyon.
That same night, we decided to take a walk in the Las Vegas Strip! I’ll be completely honest, I wasn’t really fond of everything there. I guess because I live in a huge city myself (NYC), therefore I felt like I was home all over again. I preferred the nature views instead of all the people lol. BUT I did take pictures! Some hotels were really beautiful inside. We also caught the Water Fountain show at the Bellagio.
On Sunday, after spending time at the hotel’s pool, we went to a Cirque du Soliel show called “O” which was amazing! My mom has never been to a show and I needed to take her to her first one. She loves water as well so I thought “O” was perfect since they do a lot of water works. No pictures of Cirque du Soliel except the ending because that wasn’t permitted. After the show, we went to Fremont Street which was fun and hilarious. We saw a lot of wild things.
Monday was our last day. We had to check out early from the hotel but our flight didn’t leave till later that night. Mami and I both decided that we wanted to see the mountains once more and so we drove to Boulder City, Arizona and went to Hemenway Park which is known for their bighorn sheep. We saw them walking and up-close. It was perfect. It was a great last day of our trip.
We got home that Tuesday morning (9/24) and let’s just say that I fell in love with Arizona. I think I can safely say that a piece of my heart stood there. I’m extremely happy that I went to my number one spot from my bucket list (Grand Canyon). It was an ethereal experience. I can’t wait to go again and check out the North and South Rim. I also want to go to Sedona.
I’m grateful to have what I do in order to experience such greatness. And I am extremely blessed to be where I am at in life, with peace of mind and genuine happiness. I still have my lows but it’s great to know that I’m not the same person anymore, that I can overcome anything thrown my way, that I know how to cope with the hardship when it does come (thank you therapy). I know that one day New York won’t be home anymore and maybe one day I’ll bring you along with me when that journey comes.
If you’ve stood this far, thank you. I send all my love xo.
Hi everyone! It’s been a while! Just out here enjoying life and still figuring out this new life schedule of mine. I read nothing but The Diviners in the month of August, therefore no August Wrap-Up will be posted. Instead of reading, I watched all the seasons of La Casa De Papel and How To Get Away With Murder. I was also having fun and going out. Sometimes I think of doing blog posts of places I’ve visited. However, I’m the type of person who likes to enjoy the moment rather than take pictures of every single thing so I guess that’s a wrap lol.
ALSO!!!!!!!!! It’s September!!! Which means it’s my birthday month!!! I turn 30 on the 20th. I’ll be going to Vegas and the Grand Canyon (team virgo all day every day!! earth sign gang!!!). I have a lot going on, many of my loved ones also celebrate their birthday this month. Therefore, I know that audiobooks will be my best friend cause I won’t be getting much reading done. It’s alright though! I refuse to be hard on myself because life is worth living and I love being a happy bitch.
Okay but now that I’ve given you a little life update, let’s get to the books because that’s what y’all are here for!
In love we find out who we want to be. In war we find out who we are.
France, 1939
In the quiet village of Carriveau, Vianne Mauriac says goodbye to her husband, Antoine, as he heads for the Front. She doesn’t believe that the Nazis will invade France…but invade they do, in droves of marching soldiers, in caravans of trucks and tanks, in planes that fill the skies and drop bombs upon the innocent. When France is overrun, Vianne is forced to take an enemy into her house, and suddenly her every move is watched; her life and her child’s life is at constant risk. Without food or money or hope, as danger escalates around her, she must make one terrible choice after another.
Vianne’s sister, Isabelle, is a rebellious eighteen-year-old girl, searching for purpose with all the reckless passion of youth. While thousands of Parisians march into the unknown terrors of war, she meets the compelling and mysterious Gäetan, a partisan who believes the French can fight the Nazis from within France, and she falls in love as only the young can…completely. When he betrays her, Isabelle races headlong into danger and joins the Resistance, never looking back or giving a thought to the real–and deadly–consequences.
Currently listening via audiobook and reading along with paperback. I’m close to the 200 page mark and loving it! I can definitely see why this is a favorite. It’s gripping! Every time I put it down, I look forward to picking it back up.
So many books, so little time! I have a little TBR pile that’s sitting on my bedside. However, it’ll be getting side eyed this month. Therefore I chose three books that I’m sure I can get too; one hardcover book, one audiobook, and one ebook (two of them mostly for my plane rides to and from vegas/nyc).
Hardcover Book (Historical Fiction):
For fans of Before We Were Yours and Where the Crawdads Sing, a magnificent novel about four orphans on a life-changing odyssey during the Great Depression, from the New York Timesbestselling author of Ordinary Grace.
1932, Minnesota—the Lincoln School is a pitiless place where hundreds of Native American children, forcibly separated from their parents, are sent to be educated. It is also home to an orphan named Odie O’Banion, a lively boy whose exploits earn him the superintendent’s wrath. Forced to flee, he and his brother Albert, their best friend Mose, and a brokenhearted little girl named Emmy steal away in a canoe, heading for the mighty Mississippi and a place to call their own.
Over the course of one unforgettable summer, these four orphans will journey into the unknown and cross paths with others who are adrift, from struggling farmers and traveling faith healers to displaced families and lost souls of all kinds. With the feel of a modern classic, This Tender Land is an enthralling, big-hearted epic that shows how the magnificent American landscape connects us all, haunts our dreams, and makes us whole.
Audiobook/Hardcover (Thriller):
Two Truths and a Lie. The girls played it all the time in their tiny cabin at Camp Nightingale. Vivian, Natalie, Allison, and first-time camper Emma Davis, the youngest of the group. The games ended when Emma sleepily watched the others sneak out of the cabin in the dead of night. The last she—or anyone—saw of them was Vivian closing the cabin door behind her, hushing Emma with a finger pressed to her lips.
Now a rising star in the New York art scene, Emma turns her past into paintings—massive canvases filled with dark leaves and gnarled branches that cover ghostly shapes in white dresses. The paintings catch the attention of Francesca Harris-White, the socialite and wealthy owner of Camp Nightingale. When Francesca implores her to return to the newly reopened camp as a painting instructor, Emma sees an opportunity to try to find out what really happened to her friends.
Yet it’s immediately clear that all is not right at Camp Nightingale. Already haunted by memories from fifteen years ago, Emma discovers a security camera pointed directly at her cabin, mounting mistrust from Francesca and, most disturbing of all, cryptic clues Vivian left behind about the camp’s twisted origins. As she digs deeper, Emma finds herself sorting through lies from the past while facing threats from both man and nature in the present.
And the closer she gets to the truth about Camp Nightingale, the more she realizes it may come at a deadly price.
Ebook (Suspenseful Romance):
“Must be slim, able to stand for long periods of time, and be impervious to the cold.”
The headline caught my attention.
“Hours are negotiable, pay is minimal, clothing absolutely forbidden.”
The second line piqued my curiosity.
“Able to hold your bladder and tongue, refrain from opinions or suggestions, and be the perfect living canvas.”
The third made me scowl.
“Other attributes required: non-ticklish, contortionist, and obedient. Must also enjoy being studied while naked in a crowd.”
The fourth made me shudder.
“Call or email ‘YOUR SKIN, HIS CANVAS’ if interested in applying.”
The final made my heart race.
I should’ve kept scrolling past the advertisement.
I should’ve applied for the boring receptionist job at minimum wage.
I should’ve clicked on any other job where I got to keep my clothes on.
But I didn’t.
I applied.
My interview is tomorrow…
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Hey everyone. Better late than never right? It’s been a while and I hope you’re all doing well. I’ve been changing up my weekly schedule and I’m hoping that I can fit in more blogging time. Not just with posting but also with reading and being apart of the community. I decided to combine both June & July since I did a haul post that you can check out here. In today’s post I’ll be discussing books read, things watched, and albums I’ve been listening too. The titles of books will link you to the Goodreads page.
OMG BANKS CAME OUT WITH A NEW ALBUM AND THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED FOR MY SOUL!!! I also finally decided to listen to Khalid’s album and think it’s perfect.
That is all I have for you today! I’ve been enjoying the beach this summer and going out more. How’s your summer going? What have you been reading? Oh…can we also talk about how cute my child looks in this photo? xoxoInstagram: @chicnerdreads
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Hey all! I hope you’re having a good day today. For today’s post I wanted to share with you the books I have obtained for the months of June and July. I usually add the books in my wrap-ups. However, I am doing a June and July Wrap-Up together and if I add this section, then that post will be very long. So here we are lol. And without further ado, let’s get into the books!
This was my June Book of the Month Box! It includes:
I got these books from Barnes & Noble. I wanted to take a stroll and ended up with these:
My July Book of the Month box included:
The last two books that I acquired in the month of July are:
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