3 poems featured in girasol

hi friends! on september 1st, i made an announcement on twitter/instagram letting you all know that i was going to have a surprise on my birthday for you. i really wanted to surprise drop my poetry collection but as you know it, life happens and i refuse to give you half-assed art. with all that said, here’s 3 never-to-be-seen poems that will be featured in girasol.

if you’ve been here from the start, somewhere in the middle, or just got here, i want to say thank you. thank you for supporting me and for being patient. some days i feel like i know where girasol is headed and other days it grips me, demanding what needs to be said. i’ve learned that my art needs to be felt and not just told.

trigger warning for suicide and mentions of death.


september 19th, 2018 was the last time i tried taking a breath. it was the day before my 29th birthday. mami thought i went to do my nails for a celebration when in reality, i did them for my funeral. they were even a nude shade she liked. the weeks had passed by where i was being tormented. tortured thoughts of the girl who can never heal. who can never get over what’s been done and what’s been seen. those nights i would close my eyes and dream about the bodies that burned, the faces that i kept nameless, the hands that took my body without consent. and i tried so hard to not be consumed every night by the bottle. being sober and feeling the harsh loneliness that doesn’t apologize was overbearing at the least.

i had everything ready. the letters. the directions on how to publish my book that was releasing in a month. the pills. and don’t forget the paranoia. the way it creeps and keeps you up at night. feeling like someone is constantly watching and when you turn around, your shadow greets you and says “hi. i’ve been waiting for you.” and your shadow laughs right in your face.

that night papi asked me to go to church and i gave in. what’s one more night? i was not expecting God to meet me there nor to greet me. it had been a long time since we’ve communicated. God was an estranged father whom i was angry with. and there he was. waiting for me. in the form of a man who came up to me and said “don’t do it. do not kill yourself. who said I was done with you?”

i tossed the pills. burned the letters and directions. the paranoia stayed but i left that other girl behind on september 19th, 2018 and turned 29.

-gretchen gomez

reckless abandon pours from my mouth
some days i am unforgiving words
the violence escapes me
and i run after it
keeping it captive

softness is probably easier to swallow spew
what would i know
it slips off the hard edges
we have a hard time embracing one another
not like i’m standing here with open arms anyway

sitting at a crossroad with nowhere to go
expression and softness are closed off

soft words don’t exist for women like me
most of the time we are not heard
it is an interruption
a speak over
a protest over my expression

reckless abandon pours from my mouth
a roar
an anger
keeping it captive
this is how i am heard

-gretchen gomez

to the books that helped this broken heart of mine,
i want to say thank you.
i have traveled so many worlds for a small fee.
you have played an important role in my healing.

each page has transcended me.
taken me through various adventures
where i have lost myself
and didn’t want to come back to this reality.

how could i ever forget all the times
you have made me laugh, cry, and mostly
mended this soul of mine?

each word sows me back together.
my favorite quotes bringing me peace,
some have even given me clarity.

you have made me see situations differently.
i have learned so much from reading you,
grasping you, holding you tightly to my chest.
what is loneliness when i am with you?

there is a thrill to seeking you,
to not knowing what happens next.
i am an awe of all that you do for me.
so i keep searching after you.
leaving a piece of my heart behind with the last book.

and so to the books,
i once again say thank you.
for loving me something fiercely
and letting me love you in return.

-gretchen gomez


i would love to know your thoughts. thank you for stopping by!
feel free to follow me on instagram and twitter.

The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo Spoiler Gush Review

img_0008Title: The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo
Author: Taylor Jenkins Reid
Genre: Historical Fiction, Adult, Romance, LGBTQ
Publisher: Atria Books
Format: Hardcover
Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
Pub. Date: June 13, 2017

Synopsis:
Aging and reclusive Hollywood movie icon Evelyn Hugo is finally ready to tell the truth about her glamorous and scandalous life. But when she chooses unknown magazine reporter Monique Grant for the job, no one is more astounded than Monique herself. Why her? Why now?

Monique is not exactly on top of the world. Her husband has left her, and her professional life is going nowhere. Regardless of why Evelyn has selected her to write her biography, Monique is determined to use this opportunity to jumpstart her career.

Summoned to Evelyn’s luxurious apartment, Monique listens in fascination as the actress tells her story. From making her way to Los Angeles in the 1950s to her decision to leave show business in the ’80s, and, of course, the seven husbands along the way, Evelyn unspools a tale of ruthless ambition, unexpected friendship, and a great forbidden love. Monique begins to feel a very real connection to the legendary star, but as Evelyn’s story near its conclusion, it becomes clear that her life intersects with Monique’s own in tragic and irreversible ways.

Written with Reid’s signature talent for creating “complex, likable characters” (Real Simple), this is a mesmerizing journey through the splendor of old Hollywood into the harsh realities of the present day as two women struggle with what it means—and what it costs—to face the truth.


*Please be advised this review is a SPOILER review*

I usually divide my book review into sections: plot, writing, characters, and thoughts. However, I wanted to do something a little different with this review since I just simply want to talk about how magical this book is as a whole.

“I insist that you be ruthless in your negotiating.
Make them pay you what they would pay a white man.”

This is my second Taylor Jenkins Reid book, the first one I read was Daisy Jones & The Six which I have a full non-spoiler review for here. I have watched countless BookTube videos and read countless tweets on the comparisons of both Daisy Jones and Evelyn Hugo. People recommended that you should read Evelyn Hugo before Daisy Jones because we wouldn’t be disappointed blah blah blah. Blah because that’s exactly what it is. There is absolutely no comparing Daisy Jones and Evelyn Hugo. I loved both of them equally as much for different reasons. The writing styles are completely different. I don’t believe that one is better than the other. In other words, Taylor Jenkins Reid is a genius and I need to read all her books.

Anywho, I cried. I cried a lot while reading this book. You can easily say that Evelyn Hugo is an unlikable character. However I loved her. I loved her ruthlessness and her knowingness of the power she had and how she used that power to get what she wanted. Yes, there are things she did that I would never do like sleep with people to climb to the top or get married for less than 24 hours just to pull the tabloids away from the gossip that was going around at the time. Her morally gray character is something that I loved because although I didn’t agree with some of her decisions, I understood it. It was a different time back then, there were different rules and she played them all to her liking.

“I thought that people were put on earth to find other
people, and I was put here to find you. To find you and
touch your skin and smell your breath and hear all your
thoughts. But I don’t think that’s true anymore.”

My favorite characters were pretty much the main characters; Evelyn Hugo, Celia St. James, Monique Grant, and Harry Cameron. I loved the dynamic between Evelyn and Harry. I wasn’t even surprised as to why they had married, it made all the sense in the world to me. Keeping each other safe in a time where the LGBTQ+ community was not accepted at all. They’re platonic relationship really made me smile but his tragic death shattered my whole existence. Seeing how people kept leaving Evelyn’s life in tragic ways one by one broke me down.

My favorite relationship was between Evelyn Hugo and Celia St. James. For a book that is titled The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo, I was not expecting this budding beautiful strong relationship between them both. Everything they went through together and how they tried to make it work when the odds were stacked up against them, the ending where Celia tells Evelyn to marry her brother so when Celia dies, she’ll have everything…I get teary eyed just thinking about it. WOW WHAT A BOOK! Reid had me staying up later than usual just to finish this book. They’re relationship mirrored real life relationships which is what made me love them even more and how they always came back to one another pulled at my heartstrings.

“People think that intimacy is about sex. But intimacy is about truth.
When you realize you can tell someone your truth, when you can
show yourself to them, when you stand in front of them bare
and their response is ‘you’re safe with me’- that’s intimacy.”

But can we talk about that plot twist that I was not expecting at all???? The story of Monique Grant’s dad?!? OMFG! I was literally yelling! I did not expect that at all. Once again, Taylor Jenkins Reid is a genius!! It was executed so well because it was a hidden twist, something that was not mentioned much. Actually, I would love a companion novel only on Monique and her life after Seven Husbands because I NEED TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS NOW THAT SHE’S RICH AND DID SHE TELL DAVID TO GO FUCK OFF AND WHAT ABOUT HER MOM?! I have all these questions that I want answers too lol.

“When you’re given an opportunity to change your life,
be ready to do whatever it takes to make it happen.
The world doesn’t give things, you take things.”

Also!!! Not to mention that ending really did it for me. How Evelyn still took control of her life and when it was going to end????? UGH THE WATER WORKS!! This is the type of book that will stay with me forever. I will forever recommend and I need more books like this.


Have you read this book? What did you think of it? Let’s chat in the comments!

goodreads-badge-add-plus-71eae69ca0307d077df66a58ec068898


Instagram: @chicnerdreads
Twitter: @chicnerdreads