on being absent and other things

depression is the elephant in the room
it is the answer to all the questions i get asked

depression is not the reason i don’t get out of bed
because i still do

depression doesn’t pay my bills
but it is the reason why i won’t see you
i avoid you
at all cost
i am scared
these tears will fall like summer rain
and it wasn’t even part of the forecast

depression

i never asked for this
this hollow feeling
my chest has been ripped out
and it hurts
everything hurts

i want to apologize for all the times
i haven’t been there for you
depression has been visiting me
and you know how it is
we need to be the best hosts to our guests

i’m sorry
i’m so sorry that i’m not present
i’m sorry that i forget to text back
i’m sorry for never DMing you that meme
i saw on instagram
i swear to everything i thought about you
i’m sorry for being such a shitty friend
i’m sorry

i hope you understand that i’ve been busy
attending my visitor who didn’t even bother
to let me know they were coming

jodios pendejos

you say feminist like if i’m going home
with you tonight. you say feminist like if
we flirtin’ all night. like if..life if i’m gettin’
wet for you tonight. oh, you ain’t know?
it’s the sahara desert down there.

you say feminist the same way you
say babygirl and mami. you know i
like that shit. you say it like if..like if
you’re waiting for me to call you papi.
the only man i call papi is my papi.
the man who gave me life and wings to fly.

you say feminist in the same breath you
degrade women. like if..like if i’m supposed
to take that as a compliment. like if a man
runs up on her, you expect me to say that
she deserves it cause her skirt too short.

oh you ain’t know? i like wearing the skirts
and the dresses that hug the curves i was
blessed with. does that mean i deserved it too?

you say feminist like if gold drips out your
mouth and i’m supposed to swallow it.
thank you for the flaunting, i’ll see myself out now.

being bipolar is an extreme sport

i never talk about this. being bipolar. because you automatically think that i’m happy one second and really angry the next. being bipolar is staying up all night researching the 3 states i’ll most likely move to, knowing the exact towns, looking at homes, calculating the money that i have/i’ll make and see if it’s worth the investment.

being bipolar is creating a thought in my head,painting a scenario, feeding it, yelling action, then yelling cut, adding another scene, taking away characters that don’t add up to the story, and finally falling asleep. but i only sleep for an hour or so at a time till my body twitches for the next fucking extremity. this next extremity is hungry for information. it’s 3 in the goddamn morning and i’m searching “cold cases” which subconsciously i know i shouldn’t do. you see, they’ll feed into my paranoia and when i’m in this extreme state, there is no stopping me, what is rationalizing?

nothing is satisfying me at this point, i’m delusional, i’ve written so many dark things on the notebook i keep on my nightstand. poems that i tell myself, maybe i’ll share them on instagram one day. now i’m thinking about instagram and my writing and i start getting angry at how the world thinks likes on instagram means success. what does success mean to me? it means quality, now i’m searching for books on being a quality writer and i’ve added all these books to my private wishlist on amazon. i already checked out these writers online but i don’t follow any of them. so i just keep writing and writing and writing, nonsense, none of it makes sense. my alarm rings at 6:50am but who needs an alarm when you’ve been up all night? my best friends text me wishing a great day. the guy who still checks on me from time to time tells me he loves me. my neighbor says good morning while he goes outside to smoke a cigarette. and no one knows that i’ve just had a manic episode and that soon i’ll isolate myself because i’m hollow now and i’m crying for no reason. i’m falling from the high.

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Instagram: @chicnerdreads
Twitter: @chicnerdreads

this is a poem of how i break my own heart

this is a poem of how
i break my own heart

every single time
with every person
that has crossed
paths my way

i think about all
the ways you’ll
hurt me before
you ever see
my first smile

i think about how
much i’ll long for
you when we both
walk away from
whatever this is

i think about each
breath and how i’ll
become obsessed
reading your text
messages over and
over again just to
wear myself out

i think about how
i’ll see you with
someone else and
cry over the sadness
about how i’m going
through the same
shit again

and so i never
commit to anything
because i’ll be broken
before our first date

venom and fire shouldn’t be paired together

i take a few steps
back to look at the
scenery before me.

i wonder if maybe
i should spew the
words my heart
so much desires.

the scenery looks
like a wildfire filled
with disastrous
complications.

the scenery looks
to be filled with
more problems
than peace.

the scenery looks
like pain and
heartache.

the scenery looks
like a dead end
leading to absolutely
n o w h e r e .

these words will
only add more
fuel to a fire that
can’t be put out.

– my silence has always been the loudest conversation in the room

august/september wrap-up, life update, and 6 months of love, and you?

hi hello hola! i am back!! i missed you all and it feels great to be back after a month of me gone. a lot has happened and i’m not sure i’m ready to talk about it. september was a really hectic month with everything i spoke about in my hiatus post, my birthday, and hurricane maria..it’s a lot to deal with at the moment but i’m happy to be back in my element again. it’s been a little over a month and i just wanted to come back so bad *cries for ever*

 

 

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if you are wondering why i mentioned hurricane maria or if you don’t follow me on twitter, then know i am Puerto Rican. although i have my immediate family here in the states. i want to say 98% of my family is in Puerto Rico. ever since the hurricane hit, this has been one of the toughest times. with not knowing about my family for a few days, to then us finding out that yes they are okay and alive but there’s no food and water. being over here and feeling so helpless. it’s a lot to take in. my family also happens to be on the west side which is always forgotten. the town my family is in isn’t even receiving supplies. this whole situation just sucks..let’s not even talk about the president *eye roll* therefore, i wanted to use this platform and let you know that there is a way to help by maybe donating here:

• Unidos Por Puerto Rico (United for Puerto Rico)
• Hispanic Federation

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The Wrap Up’s

i didn’t read much these past two months due to everything that has been going on in my life. i read 3 poetry books and 2 YA novels.

• Stalking Jacking the Ripper (SJTR #1) by Kerri Maniscalco
  A 4 star read for me! This YA Historical Fiction Mystery is definitely a book that I would highly recommend. I loved the story, the setting, the steampunk elements and the mystery. This book was worth every single turned page. I cannot wait to read Hunting Prince Dracula which I am seeing is getting tons of more love. If you click the title of the book, it will lead you to my review =)
• Warcross (Warcross #1) by Marie Lu
  A 5 star and all of the above read!!!! This futuristic YA Sci-Fi novel will set you in a technological advanced world where you get to live in a virtual reality and still live in the real world. This book was definitely a favorite read for 2017. I cannot wait to read the next books!! The title of this book will lead you to my rave review.

each of these poetry books were 5 stars
titles will take you to goodread page

• [redacted] by trista mateer
  “This comes in the form of handwritten notes and poetry fragments, iPhone note poetry, tweets, Craigslist ads, and more. This mix of poetry and prose spans a single month and covers topics such as heartbreak, gender, sexuality, and forgiveness.”
  That’s the goodreads synopsis. Are you convinced yet? You should read it.
• Mad Woman by Kat Savage
  “Mad Woman whish is comprised of 40 pieces that capture her stream on conscious, her confessions, and her strange thoughts. In Mad Woman, she bears it all and embraces her madness driven by loneliness and disappointment.”
  I CRIED SO MUCH WHILE READING THIS BOOK. I FELT LIKE SHE WROTE THIS ONE FOR ME. FOR THE BROKEN GIRLS WHO FEEL LIKE THEY CAN’T EXPRESS THEMSELVES. OMG THIS BOOK!!
• The Last Time I’ll Write About You by Dawn Lanuza
  “Should I be
  Thankful
  Or
  Regretful
  That my only idea
  Of love
  Is
  You?”
  A book filled with heartbreak poetry and words of love and loss. I loved reading this. I was nodding my head with a lot of these poems because I understand the author’s words.

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today so happens to be the 6 month anniversary of love, and you…which i can’t quite believe and i wrote a thing for all of you ❤ if you want to check more on my poetry book, click here.

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and that is all for now. sorry i’m a little all over the place lol. it feels great to be back and i cannot wait to blog hop, check what all of you have been up to. i plan on doing a book haul and book tag soon. maybe post a poem later on this week about my island puerto rico. my heart lays heavy. love you all!

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instagram: @chicnerdreads
twitter: @chicnerdreads

a letter to the moon

dear moon,

come sing to me
on the nights
i feel lonely.

know that you can
tell me your
darkest secrets
for i have them too.

please share with me
what the stars
have planned,
yet keep me
in suspense.

may i keep
you company?
you remind me
of myself.

sometimes i look
at you and wonder
if the clouds blanket
you with safety
when you don’t
want to be seen..

because the weight
of the world
probably rest on you,
knowing that i am
not the only person
writing this letter
to the moon.