to the conversations i replay in my head, here’s what i’d say instead

to the conversations i replay in my head,
here’s what i’d say instead:

1. what’s the point of you even trying to get to know me when you already made up your mind about me? you think i’m going to sit here and waste my time trying to convince you of who i am? you’re so stuck on me being where i’m from and the fact that i’m bipolar. so what if you read some fucking poems? stop calling me crazy. i already know that. i don’t need you or anybody reminding me of that. 

2. people are always saying they belong to the moon. that they’re moon children. well i’m not. i stay up with the moon but i’ve never belonged to her. i am a sun child. i just always end up hiding from the light that loves me and run with the darkness instead. because as soon as something good like light comes into my life, i expect it to abandon me right at the moment that i’m vulnerable. so i hide in the shadows of the moon instead because it’s so much easier. to not deal with the pain, you know?

3. i love you. i’ve waited a long time to tell you that.

4. i don’t like using terms of endearment anymore. it’s too personal and then men think i’m taking whatever we have way too seriously. i mean ask the men who i write poems about. i call them baby in my poems more than i fucking call them that in real life. wait, that means they would have to know the poems are about them. oh yikes. okay.

5. you should stop looking for me. if you wouldn’t have married the side chick, the woman that you cheated on me with, then maybe your life wouldn’t have been as messy. but you know what? you men never learn to stop fucking with a woman like me. i didn’t send anyone to fuck up your car but i’m glad that shit happened. you know how me and karma roll.

6. me being accepting of who i am and my sexuality isn’t going to damage your goddamn reputation or your image. don’t even mention me as your family member if you’re so embarrassed of me. i could care less who’s coming into the picture now, i’m not changing who i am for anyone. it took me years of self-sabotaging, of hating my body, of all this reckless abandon to finally….finally being okay with the woman i am, and you think i’m going to change that now? might as well start laughing now cause jokes on you.

7. if aliens came knocking on my door right now, i’d ask them to take me with them. i’d beg them to leave this planet because there’s nothing here for them but a bunch of morons. anyways, you mentioned deja vu. i think we experience it because there’s a parallel universe and sometimes we did something at the same time as our parallel that caused deja vu. i wonder what my parallel is doing. i wonder if she’s with that guy i always dreamed of being with one day. i hope she’s having a good time. i hope he’s getting her sunflowers. i hope she took him to south street seaport.

8. i’m so sorry about your dad dying. he was an amazing man. this isn’t fair at all. please let me know if you need anything, if there’s any way i can help. i want this pandemic to die just like you do. i’m sorry. i really am. is your mom okay? how’s your son holding up? here’s my number.

9. you feel like you don’t know me because you realized that i am more than my poems? wow. imagine that? being a person outside of the art? being a whole ass human being outside of a few words that i string along? being this complex woman who’s more than her heartache and the fight against women? being fun? did you think you were meeting someone broken that you needed to fix? because that’s condescending and utterly disrespectful for you to assume that i’m just a walking trauma.

10. tell me what you want. be specific. tell me so i won’t make mistakes when i see you. so i won’t push myself away when you tell me no. like can i choke you while i bite your lips and i’m straddled onto your hips? can we hold hands? can we just be? because i’ve made the decision that this time, i’m going to be very open with you.

– gretchen gomez

March Wrap-Up 2020

Hey there! It’s been a long time and tough times have brought me here. Currently being stuck at home during this pandemic means no work, no performances (spoken word), no  socializing, etc. And so I’ve been finding myself reading a lot more than usual. I truly do miss blogging and here we are.

In the month of March I read 9 books and DNFed 2 books. The title of the books will link you to the goodreads page


Books Read

  1. The Sun Down Motel by Simone St. James★★★★ 
    Genre: Thriller
  2. Depression & Other Magic Tricks by Sabrina Benaim★★★★★ 
    Genre: Poetry
  3. House of Earth and Blood (Crescent City #1) by Sarah J. Maas★★★★★
    Genre: Adult Fantasy
  4. Root of It by Lee Ortiz ★★★★★
    Genre: Poetry
  5. Night Sky With Exit Wounds by Ocean Vuong★★★★★
    Genre: Poetry
  6. New American Best Friend by Olivia Gatwood★★★★★
    Genre: Poetry
  7. Undercover Bromance (Bromance Book Club #2) by Lyssa Cay Adams★★★★★
    Genre: Adult Romance
  8. One Day In December by Josie Silver★★★★
    Genre: Adult Romance
  9. Nothing is Okay by Rachel Wiley★★★★
    Genre: Poetry

My favorite reads this month were House of Blood and Earth, Depression & Other Magic Tricks, and Undercover Bromance. I’m so happy that I gave Sarah J. Maas another shot. She has definitely grown as a writer, the diversity felt organic, and I really believe that Adult Fantasy is her genre to write. She has so much freedom and it was just *chef’s kiss*,  I cannot wait to read the other parts of this series. It ended great but I can’t wait to see what happens.

Depression & Other Magic Tricks was a complete fave! What a poetry collection. I resonated and connected so much. Not only with her themes but with how she writes too. Undercover Bromance was another amazing book for me. I read that within 24 hours. I loved it so much. It was hilarious and deep too. I can’t wait for the third book because I also loved the first.


Books I DNFed

When I had originally found out that Wild at Heart (Wild #2) by K.A. Tucker was coming out, I was super excited and surprised as well. Surprised because I thought The Simple Wild ended perfectly. I read 120 pages of Wild at Heart before giving up on it. I couldn’t do it. The main character was annoying me and I’m not in the mood to continue reading about a character is keeps making my eyes roll lol.

Then there’s Writers & Lovers by Lily King. I was really excited about this book. I actually like the writing. However, it was a scene in this book that did it for me. This small scene that scarred me. There are certain things that I cannot read at all. It’s not a trigger warning per se, it’s just a personal thing.


and that is all for now! i will do a march book haul in a separate post. how are you all doing? and what was your favorite book in march? xo

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October Wrap-Up 2019

Hey all! This year has gone by so quick. I cannot believe we’re in November. And I also can’t believe its daylight savings. Bleh. Time to fight seasonal depression even harder now lol. Anyways! I had a pretty good reading month. I read 7 books!!! I don’t remember the last time I read that many books lol. I am so surprised with how much I’ve been reading this year because I was in a huge slump all of 2018. Now let’s get to the month!


Books I Read

  1. If Only I Could Tell You by Hannah Beckerman – ★★.5
    Genre: Contemporary Fiction
  2. American Predator: The Hunt for the Most Meticulous Serial Killer of the 21st Century by Maureen Callahan – ★★★★★ 
    Genre: True Crime
  3. Submerge by K.Y. Robinson★★★★★ 
    Genre: Poetry
  4. The Last Time I Lied by Riley Sager – ★★★★
    Genre: Thriller
  5. Hermosa by Yesika Salgado – ★★★★
    Genre: Poetry
  6. Birthday Girl by Penelope Douglas – ★★★★★
    Genre: New Adult Romance
  7. The Hating Game by Sally Thorne – ★★★★★
    Genre: Romance

Books Acquired

For October, I had skipped BOTM (book of the month) box because none of the picks interested me. However, I did pick up these two poetry collections (Submerge and Hermosa) that I happened to read on the same month which makes me really happy. I don’t like leaving books I buy unread for too long because then I forget them, lose interest, and never read them. This happens 9.5 out of 10 times lol. And you know, just trying to break habits here.


A Fave of the Month

877c907da176e65e5415604a7e593234.1000x1000x1If you don’t know, I am a huge fan of the singer Alina Baraz. I love her voice and lyrics. It’s been some time since she came out with a song and the song that she happened to release literally made me cry. The lyrics are pretty much how 2019 has been to me personally. The song is titled To Me.

“I’m not asking for too much. I’m asking the wrong motherfucker. Just ’cause we’re in love doesn’t mean that we’re right for each other. Can’t keep makin’ a home out of you just ’cause you’re asking me to. I’m not asking for too much (can we do it over?). Here’s to good people, good nights, good highs, good health, some tears, some stress but I count my blessings. Here’s to good music, great sex little time to feel alive, little time to get it right.”

That is all for today! Have you read any of these books or plan on too? I do plan on posting some mini reviews for the books mentioned above. Till next time!

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Twitter: @chicnerdreads

Drowned In Milk Tea Chapbook Review

Welcome to my biased review today!!!! And biased because the author, Anne Chivon, is my best friend. But also LET’S WISH MY BUNNY A VERY HAPPY BOOK BIRTHDAY BECAUSE IT’S RELEASE DAY!!!!!

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For today’s post I will be gushing about Drowned In Milk Tea and why you should get it (cause it’s awesome).


45428412Title: Drowned In Milk Tea
Author: Anne Chivon
Genre: Poetry
Publisher: Creative Aces Publishing
Rating: 5 stars

Synopsis:
After her debut Cottontail Games: monsters and lovers Anne Chivon is back with Drowned In Milk Tea. A chapbook about the good and bad times that take place when one first falls in love, and how she coped with the memories that left both a sweet, and bitter, taste behind.

 

 

 

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This chapbook has content warnings of the following: suicide implications, partner abuse, eating disorders/body image issues, drug mention, blood mention. (All content warnings are listed as such in the chapbook).

First thing I want to say is that the paperback is the way to go for this particular book because it has writing prompts every other page which I absolutely loved. We get a prompt, poem, prompt, poem, so on and so forth. Therefore you can write and read at the same time and that concept is spot on.

Drowned In Milk Tea is filled with poems about love, loose, coping with bittersweet memories after a person is no longer in your life, and the aftereffects of that. It has poems about the good times and the bad times. There were some poems where I felt like the author was fighting herself for loving this person. Drowned In Milk Tea has poems covered in beautiful imagery and metaphors. The poems carry impact and reach to the heart. Anne Chivon does not hold back and keeps it real.

Like I’ve said before, I don’t rate poetry books based on connection. However, I did connect with these poems in a whole other level. I also want to add that the prompts and poetry made me reflect more on Anne’s poems. They were thought provoking.

Because this is a chapbook, I’m only going to share two poems from the collection.

together we
burned so hot
it charred your heart
and when we kissed
i choked on the smoke
pouring past your lips

and somehow
every day i think of
your smoldering kiss
and how it left my lips
sensitive to touch

 

i thought the more
i let my bones go free
meant the more i could
shrink away from you
like sugar dissolving
with the stir of a spoon
and finally i could do this
disappearing act
right before your eyes

And that is all for today! Make sure to check out my besties book here and make sure to support indie authors/publishers:

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on being absent and other things

depression is the elephant in the room
it is the answer to all the questions i get asked

depression is not the reason i don’t get out of bed
because i still do

depression doesn’t pay my bills
but it is the reason why i won’t see you
i avoid you
at all cost
i am scared
these tears will fall like summer rain
and it wasn’t even part of the forecast

depression

i never asked for this
this hollow feeling
my chest has been ripped out
and it hurts
everything hurts

i want to apologize for all the times
i haven’t been there for you
depression has been visiting me
and you know how it is
we need to be the best hosts to our guests

i’m sorry
i’m so sorry that i’m not present
i’m sorry that i forget to text back
i’m sorry for never DMing you that meme
i saw on instagram
i swear to everything i thought about you
i’m sorry for being such a shitty friend
i’m sorry

i hope you understand that i’ve been busy
attending my visitor who didn’t even bother
to let me know they were coming

jodios pendejos

you say feminist like if i’m going home
with you tonight. you say feminist like if
we flirtin’ all night. like if..life if i’m gettin’
wet for you tonight. oh, you ain’t know?
it’s the sahara desert down there.

you say feminist the same way you
say babygirl and mami. you know i
like that shit. you say it like if..like if
you’re waiting for me to call you papi.
the only man i call papi is my papi.
the man who gave me life and wings to fly.

you say feminist in the same breath you
degrade women. like if..like if i’m supposed
to take that as a compliment. like if a man
runs up on her, you expect me to say that
she deserves it cause her skirt too short.

oh you ain’t know? i like wearing the skirts
and the dresses that hug the curves i was
blessed with. does that mean i deserved it too?

you say feminist like if gold drips out your
mouth and i’m supposed to swallow it.
thank you for the flaunting, i’ll see myself out now.

being bipolar is an extreme sport

i never talk about this. being bipolar. because you automatically think that i’m happy one second and really angry the next. being bipolar is staying up all night researching the 3 states i’ll most likely move to, knowing the exact towns, looking at homes, calculating the money that i have/i’ll make and see if it’s worth the investment.

being bipolar is creating a thought in my head,painting a scenario, feeding it, yelling action, then yelling cut, adding another scene, taking away characters that don’t add up to the story, and finally falling asleep. but i only sleep for an hour or so at a time till my body twitches for the next fucking extremity. this next extremity is hungry for information. it’s 3 in the goddamn morning and i’m searching “cold cases” which subconsciously i know i shouldn’t do. you see, they’ll feed into my paranoia and when i’m in this extreme state, there is no stopping me, what is rationalizing?

nothing is satisfying me at this point, i’m delusional, i’ve written so many dark things on the notebook i keep on my nightstand. poems that i tell myself, maybe i’ll share them on instagram one day. now i’m thinking about instagram and my writing and i start getting angry at how the world thinks likes on instagram means success. what does success mean to me? it means quality, now i’m searching for books on being a quality writer and i’ve added all these books to my private wishlist on amazon. i already checked out these writers online but i don’t follow any of them. so i just keep writing and writing and writing, nonsense, none of it makes sense. my alarm rings at 6:50am but who needs an alarm when you’ve been up all night? my best friends text me wishing a great day. the guy who still checks on me from time to time tells me he loves me. my neighbor says good morning while he goes outside to smoke a cigarette. and no one knows that i’ve just had a manic episode and that soon i’ll isolate myself because i’m hollow now and i’m crying for no reason. i’m falling from the high.


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Baptized in Moonlight Poetry Book Review

42961506Title: Baptized in Moonlight
Author: Morgan Scott
Genre: Poetry
Publisher: Morgan Scott
Format: Paperback
Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
Pub. Date: November 24, 2018

Synopsis:
In this collection of poems, Morgan Scott depicts the story of a young girl turned ferocious woman, and ties her growth to the phases of the moon. Written with the intimacy and unflinching honesty of an untamed spirit scorned and reborn, Baptized in Moonlight is a book for anyone who has ever felt as if the odds were stacked against them. Filled with painful acknowledgments of broken relationships – and the hope of a life lived with wild passion – you will dive to the depths and ascend to new peaks as you begin your own journey through the lunar cycle. This collection is part heartbreak story, part coming of age, part love song, and part battle cry. You will find yourself among the pages, and be spurred to get to know yourself on a deeper level.


 

Baptized in Moonlight is divided into 4 sections titled Waning, New, Waxing, and Full. Each phase of the moon (section) is tied to the authors growth, her journey, and things she has gone through. This poetry collection has themes of heartbreak, healing, abuse, finding yourself, spirituality, motherhood, self-love, and acceptance.

it is heavy
to carry my sadness
over my shoulder
every place i travel

and yet
she is the only consistent
friend that i have ever known

and there is comfort
in knowing
that she will never
leave me

no matter how hard i try
to release her

I really enjoyed this collection and read it in a few sittings, wanting to take it all in slowly. I loved how the author not only named the sections the phases of the moon but she also gave it definition. The poems in this collection are longer than what I usually see nowadays in poetry collections and I loved that too!! Morgan Scott really conveys her emotions and impact with her words. There are also illustrations sprinkled throughout the book which gave it an extra touch.

love is not slipping
not choking
it is not bending
as far backwards as your body can
until it breaks

love is not toeing the line
between anger and passion
worried that one wrong move
will land you in terror

love is not hiding yourself
trying to contort into his dream girl

love is not dumbing yourself down
to make him appear smarter

love is not not not not not not
the rush of air before his palm
strikes your cheek

so don’t believe him when
he tells you it is
because the picture he has built of love
is one that temporarily plugs his wounds
while ripping yours open

Although I don’t rate poetry books based on connection, I ended up really connecting with the poems and author. Specifically with her poems about god, spirituality, self (surrounding those previous themes mentioned). It felt nice to feel understood in that aspect. I really appreciate the author just being straight forward and not making it pretty. Poetry that is raw like this really gets me in my feels. I found myself dog earring (yes, judge me) a lot of her poems. Overall, I would highly recommend this poetry collection! Also, the author is super freaking sweet and you should check her out. Her links will be at the bottom!

women are born full
full of magic
and tenderness

our hands
and our hearts
have carried the weight of
the entire galaxy
for generations

we could tap into our
mother energy
and heal the world of pain
if only you would
move out of our way

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Author Links:
Instagram
Amazon


That is all for today! Just a reminder to please support Indie Authors and their work! I hope you all have a great day xo

Instagram: @chicnerdreads
Twitter: @chicnerdreads

WWW Wednesday

I haven’t done one of these since October of 2017
so please forgive my rustiness lol

Hi everyone! I thought I would participate in WWW Wednesday today. This meme is hosted by Sam over at Taking on a World of Words. You can link your blog post to Sam’s website that way we can interact and find other bloggers =)

The questions are:
1. What are you currently reading?
2. What did you recently finish reading?
3. What do you think you’ll read next?


www stuff

40121959I am currently reading an Adult Mystery/Thriller novel titled Miracle Creek by Angie Kim. I’m only about 50 pages in. However, I’m really enjoying it. It’s told by different perspectives but still maintaining a 3rd POV which is really interesting. It has me intrigued enough to want to know what’s going to happen next.

Synopsis:
A literary courtroom drama about a Korean immigrant family and a young, single mother accused of murdering her eight-year-old autistic son

My husband asked me to lie. Not a big lie. He probably didn’t even consider it a lie, and neither did I, at first . . .

In the small town of Miracle Creek, Virginia, Young and Pak Yoo run an experimental medical treatment device known as the Miracle Submarine—a pressurized oxygen chamber that patients enter for therapeutic “dives” with the hopes of curing issues like autism or infertility. But when the Miracle Submarine mysteriously explodes, killing two people, a dramatic murder trial upends the Yoos’ small community.

Who or what caused the explosion? Was it the mother of one of the patients, who claimed to be sick that day but was smoking down by the creek? Or was it Young and Pak themselves, hoping to cash in on a big insurance payment and send their daughter to college? The ensuing trial uncovers unimaginable secrets from that night—trysts in the woods, mysterious notes, child-abuse charges—as well as tense rivalries and alliances among a group of people driven to extraordinary degrees of desperation and sacrifice.

Angie Kim’s Miracle Creek is a thoroughly contemporary take on the courtroom drama, drawing on the author’s own life as a Korean immigrant, former trial lawyer, and mother of a real-life “submarine” patient. An addictive debut novel for fans of Liane Moriarty and Celeste Ng, Miracle Creek is both a twisty page-turner and a deeply moving story about the way inconsequential lies and secrets can add up—with tragic consequences

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42961506.jpgI finished Baptized in Moonlight, a poetry collection, written by Morgan Scott. I do plan on reviewing this book so stay tuned for that! This was a 5 star read!

Synopsis:
In this collection of poems, Morgan Scott depicts the story of a young girl turned ferocious woman, and ties her growth to the phases of the moon. Written with the intimacy and unflinching honesty of an untamed spirit scorned and reborn, Baptized in Moonlight is a book for anyone who has ever felt as if the odds were stacked against them. Filled with painful acknowledgments of broken relationships – and the hope of a life lived with wild passion – you will dive to the depths and ascend to new peaks as you begin your own journey through the lunar cycle. This collection is part heartbreak story, part coming of age, part love song, and part battle cry. You will find yourself among the pages, and be spurred to get to know yourself on a deeper level.

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35209847I also finished Sanctuary (Beards and Bondage #2), a Romance novel with a sprinkle of Erotica, written by Rebekah Weatherspoon. This is a companion novel to her first book, Haven. I loved the characters in this one but I definitely was expecting a little more. I feel like there wasn’t a smooth transition to the romance and them being together sexually. I rated this book 4 stars.

Synopsis:
When she needs a sanctuary…

Targeted by a sadistic former client, attorney Liz Lewis needs a place to lay low. When a friend offers her his family farm as a safe house, she eagerly accepts, unaware that she’ll have to share the farm with her friend’s brawny, beautiful brother, Silas McInroy.

…she invades his…

Weary of a world that doesn’t understand him, Silas just wants to be left alone to grow the best produce upstate New York has to offer. Still, he’s not going to toss a woman out when her safety is on the line. But the only way to explain her presence on his farm is to claim that they fell in love online…and the last thing he needs is a fake relationship that threatens to become more and more real every day.

With her world turned upside down and danger on her trail, Liz knows that this temporary refuge can’t last forever…but leaving the comfort and ease of Silas’s arms and farm to face the reality of her life may be the hardest thing she’s ever had to do.

*** WARNING: This book contains scenes of mild bondage and domination between a gorgeous lawyer and a sexy farmer who is terrible with women. And five farm dogs with varying degrees of loyalty to both the hero and heroine.***

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40236964My next read will be Sabrina & Corina: Stories by Kali Fajardo-Anstine, a collection of short stories. Thanks to the author and Penguin for sending me a final copy of this book. I plan on seeing Kali next week Monday during her book tour here in NYC. I am really excited and would love to read this book before the event.

Synopsis:
A haunting debut story collection on friendship, mothers and daughters, and the deep-rooted truths of our homelands, centered on Latinas of indigenous ancestry that shines a new light on the American West.

Kali Fajardo-Anstine’s magnetic story collection breathes life into her Latina characters of indigenous ancestry and the land they inhabit. Set against the remarkable backdrop of Denver, Colorado–a place that is as fierce as it is exquisite–these women navigate the land the way they navigate their lives: with caution, grace, and quiet force.

In “Sugar Babies,” ancestry and heritage are hidden inside the earth but tend to rise during land disputes. “Any Further West” follows a sex worker and her daughter as they leave their ancestral home in southern Colorado only to find a foreign and hostile land in California. In “Tomi,” a woman leaves prison and finds herself in a gentrified city that is a shadow of the one she remembers from her childhood. And in the title story, “Sabrina & Corina,” a Denver family falls into a cycle of violence against women, coming together only through ritual.

Sabrina & Corina is a moving narrative of unrelenting feminine power and an exploration of the universal experiences of abandonment, heritage, and an eternal sense of home.

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Have you read any of these books or plan too? Let’s chat in the comments!


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