to the conversations i replay in my head, here’s what i’d say instead

to the conversations i replay in my head,
here’s what i’d say instead:

1. what’s the point of you even trying to get to know me when you already made up your mind about me? you think i’m going to sit here and waste my time trying to convince you of who i am? you’re so stuck on me being where i’m from and the fact that i’m bipolar. so what if you read some fucking poems? stop calling me crazy. i already know that. i don’t need you or anybody reminding me of that. 

2. people are always saying they belong to the moon. that they’re moon children. well i’m not. i stay up with the moon but i’ve never belonged to her. i am a sun child. i just always end up hiding from the light that loves me and run with the darkness instead. because as soon as something good like light comes into my life, i expect it to abandon me right at the moment that i’m vulnerable. so i hide in the shadows of the moon instead because it’s so much easier. to not deal with the pain, you know?

3. i love you. i’ve waited a long time to tell you that.

4. i don’t like using terms of endearment anymore. it’s too personal and then men think i’m taking whatever we have way too seriously. i mean ask the men who i write poems about. i call them baby in my poems more than i fucking call them that in real life. wait, that means they would have to know the poems are about them. oh yikes. okay.

5. you should stop looking for me. if you wouldn’t have married the side chick, the woman that you cheated on me with, then maybe your life wouldn’t have been as messy. but you know what? you men never learn to stop fucking with a woman like me. i didn’t send anyone to fuck up your car but i’m glad that shit happened. you know how me and karma roll.

6. me being accepting of who i am and my sexuality isn’t going to damage your goddamn reputation or your image. don’t even mention me as your family member if you’re so embarrassed of me. i could care less who’s coming into the picture now, i’m not changing who i am for anyone. it took me years of self-sabotaging, of hating my body, of all this reckless abandon to finally….finally being okay with the woman i am, and you think i’m going to change that now? might as well start laughing now cause jokes on you.

7. if aliens came knocking on my door right now, i’d ask them to take me with them. i’d beg them to leave this planet because there’s nothing here for them but a bunch of morons. anyways, you mentioned deja vu. i think we experience it because there’s a parallel universe and sometimes we did something at the same time as our parallel that caused deja vu. i wonder what my parallel is doing. i wonder if she’s with that guy i always dreamed of being with one day. i hope she’s having a good time. i hope he’s getting her sunflowers. i hope she took him to south street seaport.

8. i’m so sorry about your dad dying. he was an amazing man. this isn’t fair at all. please let me know if you need anything, if there’s any way i can help. i want this pandemic to die just like you do. i’m sorry. i really am. is your mom okay? how’s your son holding up? here’s my number.

9. you feel like you don’t know me because you realized that i am more than my poems? wow. imagine that? being a person outside of the art? being a whole ass human being outside of a few words that i string along? being this complex woman who’s more than her heartache and the fight against women? being fun? did you think you were meeting someone broken that you needed to fix? because that’s condescending and utterly disrespectful for you to assume that i’m just a walking trauma.

10. tell me what you want. be specific. tell me so i won’t make mistakes when i see you. so i won’t push myself away when you tell me no. like can i choke you while i bite your lips and i’m straddled onto your hips? can we hold hands? can we just be? because i’ve made the decision that this time, i’m going to be very open with you.

– gretchen gomez

Drowned In Milk Tea Chapbook Review

Welcome to my biased review today!!!! And biased because the author, Anne Chivon, is my best friend. But also LET’S WISH MY BUNNY A VERY HAPPY BOOK BIRTHDAY BECAUSE IT’S RELEASE DAY!!!!!

For today’s post I will be gushing about Drowned In Milk Tea and why you should get it (cause it’s awesome).

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Title: Drowned In Milk Tea
Author: Anne Chivon
Genre: Poetry
Publisher: Creative Aces Publishing
Rating: 5 stars

Synopsis:
After her debut Cottontail Games: monsters and lovers Anne Chivon is back with Drowned In Milk Tea. A chapbook about the good and bad times that take place when one first falls in love, and how she coped with the memories that left both a sweet, and bitter, taste behind.

 

 

 

This chapbook has content warnings of the following: suicide implications, partner abuse, eating disorders/body image issues, drug mention, blood mention. (All content warnings are listed as such in the chapbook).

First thing I want to say is that the paperback is the way to go for this particular book because it has writing prompts every other page which I absolutely loved. We get a prompt, poem, prompt, poem, so on and so forth. Therefore you can write and read at the same time and that concept is spot on.

Drowned In Milk Tea is filled with poems about love, loose, coping with bittersweet memories after a person is no longer in your life, and the aftereffects of that. It has poems about the good times and the bad times. There were some poems where I felt like the author was fighting herself for loving this person. Drowned In Milk Tea has poems covered in beautiful imagery and metaphors. The poems carry impact and reach to the heart. Anne Chivon does not hold back and keeps it real.

Like I’ve said before, I don’t rate poetry books based on connection. However, I did connect with these poems in a whole other level. I also want to add that the prompts and poetry made me reflect more on Anne’s poems. They were thought provoking.

Because this is a chapbook, I’m only going to share two poems from the collection.

together we
burned so hot
it charred your heart
and when we kissed
i choked on the smoke
pouring past your lips

and somehow
every day i think of
your smoldering kiss
and how it left my lips
sensitive to touch

 

i thought the more
i let my bones go free
meant the more i could
shrink away from you
like sugar dissolving
with the stir of a spoon
and finally i could do this
disappearing act
right before your eyes

And that is all for today! Make sure to check out my besties book here and make sure to support indie authors/publishers:

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Instagram: @chicnerdreads
Twitter: @chicnerdreads

 

on being absent and other things

depression is the elephant in the room
it is the answer to all the questions i get asked

depression is not the reason i don’t get out of bed
because i still do

depression doesn’t pay my bills
but it is the reason why i won’t see you
i avoid you
at all cost
i am scared
these tears will fall like summer rain
and it wasn’t even part of the forecast

depression

i never asked for this
this hollow feeling
my chest has been ripped out
and it hurts
everything hurts

i want to apologize for all the times
i haven’t been there for you
depression has been visiting me
and you know how it is
we need to be the best hosts to our guests

i’m sorry
i’m so sorry that i’m not present
i’m sorry that i forget to text back
i’m sorry for never DMing you that meme
i saw on instagram
i swear to everything i thought about you
i’m sorry for being such a shitty friend
i’m sorry

i hope you understand that i’ve been busy
attending my visitor who didn’t even bother
to let me know they were coming

jodios pendejos

you say feminist like if i’m going home
with you tonight. you say feminist like if
we flirtin’ all night. like if..life if i’m gettin’
wet for you tonight. oh, you ain’t know?
it’s the sahara desert down there.

you say feminist the same way you
say babygirl and mami. you know i
like that shit. you say it like if..like if
you’re waiting for me to call you papi.
the only man i call papi is my papi.
the man who gave me life and wings to fly.

you say feminist in the same breath you
degrade women. like if..like if i’m supposed
to take that as a compliment. like if a man
runs up on her, you expect me to say that
she deserves it cause her skirt too short.

oh you ain’t know? i like wearing the skirts
and the dresses that hug the curves i was
blessed with. does that mean i deserved it too?

you say feminist like if gold drips out your
mouth and i’m supposed to swallow it.
thank you for the flaunting, i’ll see myself out now.

being bipolar is an extreme sport

i never talk about this. being bipolar. because you automatically think that i’m happy one second and really angry the next. being bipolar is staying up all night researching the 3 states i’ll most likely move to, knowing the exact towns, looking at homes, calculating the money that i have/i’ll make and see if it’s worth the investment.

being bipolar is creating a thought in my head,painting a scenario, feeding it, yelling action, then yelling cut, adding another scene, taking away characters that don’t add up to the story, and finally falling asleep. but i only sleep for an hour or so at a time till my body twitches for the next fucking extremity. this next extremity is hungry for information. it’s 3 in the goddamn morning and i’m searching “cold cases” which subconsciously i know i shouldn’t do. you see, they’ll feed into my paranoia and when i’m in this extreme state, there is no stopping me, what is rationalizing?

nothing is satisfying me at this point, i’m delusional, i’ve written so many dark things on the notebook i keep on my nightstand. poems that i tell myself, maybe i’ll share them on instagram one day. now i’m thinking about instagram and my writing and i start getting angry at how the world thinks likes on instagram means success. what does success mean to me? it means quality, now i’m searching for books on being a quality writer and i’ve added all these books to my private wishlist on amazon. i already checked out these writers online but i don’t follow any of them. so i just keep writing and writing and writing, nonsense, none of it makes sense. my alarm rings at 6:50am but who needs an alarm when you’ve been up all night? my best friends text me wishing a great day. the guy who still checks on me from time to time tells me he loves me. my neighbor says good morning while he goes outside to smoke a cigarette. and no one knows that i’ve just had a manic episode and that soon i’ll isolate myself because i’m hollow now and i’m crying for no reason. i’m falling from the high.

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Instagram: @chicnerdreads
Twitter: @chicnerdreads

Baptized in Moonlight Poetry Book Review

Title: Baptized in Moonlight
Author: Morgan Scott
Genre: Poetry
Publisher: Morgan Scott
Format: Paperback
Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
Pub. Date: November 24, 2018

Synopsis:
In this collection of poems, Morgan Scott depicts the story of a young girl turned ferocious woman, and ties her growth to the phases of the moon. Written with the intimacy and unflinching honesty of an untamed spirit scorned and reborn, Baptized in Moonlight is a book for anyone who has ever felt as if the odds were stacked against them. Filled with painful acknowledgments of broken relationships – and the hope of a life lived with wild passion – you will dive to the depths and ascend to new peaks as you begin your own journey through the lunar cycle. This collection is part heartbreak story, part coming of age, part love song, and part battle cry. You will find yourself among the pages, and be spurred to get to know yourself on a deeper level.

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Baptized in Moonlight is divided into 4 sections titled Waning, New, Waxing, and Full. Each phase of the moon (section) is tied to the authors growth, her journey, and things she has gone through. This poetry collection has themes of heartbreak, healing, abuse, finding yourself, spirituality, motherhood, self-love, and acceptance.

it is heavy
to carry my sadness
over my shoulder
every place i travel

and yet
she is the only consistent
friend that i have ever known

and there is comfort
in knowing
that she will never
leave me

no matter how hard i try
to release her

I really enjoyed this collection and read it in a few sittings, wanting to take it all in slowly. I loved how the author not only named the sections the phases of the moon but she also gave it definition. The poems in this collection are longer than what I usually see nowadays in poetry collections and I loved that too!! Morgan Scott really conveys her emotions and impact with her words. There are also illustrations sprinkled throughout the book which gave it an extra touch.

love is not slipping
not choking
it is not bending
as far backwards as your body can
until it breaks

love is not toeing the line
between anger and passion
worried that one wrong move
will land you in terror

love is not hiding yourself
trying to contort into his dream girl

love is not dumbing yourself down
to make him appear smarter

love is not not not not not not
the rush of air before his palm
strikes your cheek

so don’t believe him when
he tells you it is
because the picture he has built of love
is one that temporarily plugs his wounds
while ripping yours open

Although I don’t rate poetry books based on connection, I ended up really connecting with the poems and author. Specifically with her poems about god, spirituality, self (surrounding those previous themes mentioned). It felt nice to feel understood in that aspect. I really appreciate the author just being straight forward and not making it pretty. Poetry that is raw like this really gets me in my feels. I found myself dog earring (yes, judge me) a lot of her poems. Overall, I would highly recommend this poetry collection! Also, the author is super freaking sweet and you should check her out. Her links will be at the bottom!

women are born full
full of magic
and tenderness

our hands
and our hearts
have carried the weight of
the entire galaxy
for generations

we could tap into our
mother energy
and heal the world of pain
if only you would
move out of our way

Author Links:
Instagram
Amazon

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That is all for today! Just a reminder to please support Indie Authors and their work! I hope you all have a great day xo

Instagram: @chicnerdreads
Twitter: @chicnerdreads

love, and you turns 2 and it’s free!

My debut poetry collection turns 2 years old today and it is FREE on Kindle for two days (today and tomorrow)! It is free on all amazon platforms. Share with your friends/family/loved ones/etc.!

one day i met a guy
who stole my heart,
we created a world
for ourselves.
and another day
he broke my heart
and shattered
my soul.

i took the tattered
pieces of this
broken soul and
became anew.

– here lies the hurting, the healing, and the learning

(please be advised this book has mature content)

 

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This morning while I was writing my morning pages, I wrote about how I couldn’t believe it’s been 2 years since this book has released. So much has happened, so much has changed, and I am very grateful of where this journey has taken me. I have seen the fruit of my labor and this journey has opened so many doors. The lives that this book has touched is something I never pictured. Countless times I have thought of removing this book from the shelves and countless times people have come to me privately to talk about how this book has changed their lives. It’s no longer about me, it’s about them and their healing. I want to say thank you. My gratitude is endless.

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Instagram: @chicnerdreads
Twitter: @chicnerdreads

welcome to ghost town out now!

AHHHH!!!!!!!!!! IT IS HERE!!! MY SECOND POETRY COLLECTION IS OUT TO THE WORLD!!! THE ONE THAT BELONGED TO THIS VERY BLOG TITLED AS “PEOPLE I ONCE KNEW” BACK IN LATE 2016-EARLY 2017.

welcome to ghost town is available to purchase via amazon worldwide and other online retailers. it’s also available via paperback and kindle edition. i am honestly so speechless that i get to type my second announcement like this to the world. this collection has been such an emotional ride. it’s very different from my debut love, and you. i’m just you know, freaking out!!!

the blogging community has really played a key part in me releasing this collection. it’s raw, it’s sad, it’s not hopeful like the first one. welcome to ghost town really broke me because i went deep into traumatic experiences. this one has a trigger warnings list and an authors note. and yeah i’m super nervous and scared about people reading this to be honest. like i don’t know what to expect so i’ll sit here and cry.

talking about crying….THANK YOU FOR THIS!!

please hold…..HOLY SH!T I AM A MESS

 

 

 

 

 

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these are the stories of
people i once knew.
they have come and
gone like ghosts in
the night. you might
not be a part of my
life anymore but
you’re still the ghosts
who haunt me.

– welcome to ghost town

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you can purchase the second poetry collection here:

amazon (also available worldwide)

barnes & noble

other online retailers as well

thanks so much for being there!

i don’t know what to title this again

i write today with sadness / all that’s left of me / here drenched for the world to see / i count lately / i count how long i’ll last here / i count the time i have / the time to my explosion / here is my truth / i’ve become a ghost myself / the insanity is me now / depression is a home where i lay my head to rest and i can’t find a way to move out / i am trapped here / i find a window to escape from / somehow i come back / i write today with sadness / i’ve always written with sadness / here is the truth you don’t see