it’s all muted blue
the walls,
the love,
the sunflowers,
and there are no colors to paint it over
i cannot find them
it has been 5109 days
and i might just start counting again
it has been 1309 days
and it might just be the last
what is will?
the fox died some time ago
and the sunflowers are wilting too
what is purpose?
if the music doesn’t feel alive
the words are only a collection of jumbled letters
and i only see blue at the end of the tunnel
– gretchen gomez
you say feminist like if i’m going home
with you tonight. you say feminist like if
we flirtin’ all night. like if..life if i’m gettin’
wet for you tonight. oh, you ain’t know?
it’s the sahara desert down there.
you say feminist the same way you
say babygirl and mami. you know i
like that shit. you say it like if..like if
you’re waiting for me to call you papi.
the only man i call papi is my papi.
the man who gave me life and wings to fly.
you say feminist in the same breath you
degrade women. like if..like if i’m supposed
to take that as a compliment. like if a man
runs up on her, you expect me to say that
she deserves it cause her skirt too short.
oh you ain’t know? i like wearing the skirts
and the dresses that hug the curves i was
blessed with. does that mean i deserved it too?
you say feminist like if gold drips out your
mouth and i’m supposed to swallow it.
thank you for the flaunting, i’ll see myself out now.
i never talk about this. being bipolar. because you automatically think that i’m happy one second and really angry the next. being bipolar is staying up all night researching the 3 states i’ll most likely move to, knowing the exact towns, looking at homes, calculating the money that i have/i’ll make and see if it’s worth the investment.
being bipolar is creating a thought in my head,painting a scenario, feeding it, yelling action, then yelling cut, adding another scene, taking away characters that don’t add up to the story, and finally falling asleep. but i only sleep for an hour or so at a time till my body twitches for the next fucking extremity. this next extremity is hungry for information. it’s 3 in the goddamn morning and i’m searching “cold cases” which subconsciously i know i shouldn’t do. you see, they’ll feed into my paranoia and when i’m in this extreme state, there is no stopping me, what is rationalizing?
nothing is satisfying me at this point, i’m delusional, i’ve written so many dark things on the notebook i keep on my nightstand. poems that i tell myself, maybe i’ll share them on instagram one day. now i’m thinking about instagram and my writing and i start getting angry at how the world thinks likes on instagram means success. what does success mean to me? it means quality, now i’m searching for books on being a quality writer and i’ve added all these books to my private wishlist on amazon. i already checked out these writers online but i don’t follow any of them. so i just keep writing and writing and writing, nonsense, none of it makes sense. my alarm rings at 6:50am but who needs an alarm when you’ve been up all night? my best friends text me wishing a great day. the guy who still checks on me from time to time tells me he loves me. my neighbor says good morning while he goes outside to smoke a cigarette. and no one knows that i’ve just had a manic episode and that soon i’ll isolate myself because i’m hollow now and i’m crying for no reason. i’m falling from the high.
Instagram: @chicnerdreads
Twitter: @chicnerdreads
My debut poetry collection turns 2 years old today and it is FREE on Kindle for two days (today and tomorrow)! It is free on all amazon platforms. Share with your friends/family/loved ones/etc.!
one day i met a guy
who stole my heart,
we created a world
for ourselves.
and another day
he broke my heart
and shattered
my soul.
i took the tattered
pieces of this
broken soul and
became anew.
– here lies the hurting, the healing, and the learning
(please be advised this book has mature content)
This morning while I was writing my morning pages, I wrote about how I couldn’t believe it’s been 2 years since this book has released. So much has happened, so much has changed, and I am very grateful of where this journey has taken me. I have seen the fruit of my labor and this journey has opened so many doors. The lives that this book has touched is something I never pictured. Countless times I have thought of removing this book from the shelves and countless times people have come to me privately to talk about how this book has changed their lives. It’s no longer about me, it’s about them and their healing. I want to say thank you. My gratitude is endless.
Instagram: @chicnerdreads
Twitter: @chicnerdreads
AHHHH!!!!!!!!!! IT IS HERE!!! MY SECOND POETRY COLLECTION IS OUT TO THE WORLD!!! THE ONE THAT BELONGED TO THIS VERY BLOG TITLED AS “PEOPLE I ONCE KNEW” BACK IN LATE 2016-EARLY 2017.
welcome to ghost town is available to purchase via amazon worldwide and other online retailers. it’s also available via paperback and kindle edition. i am honestly so speechless that i get to type my second announcement like this to the world. this collection has been such an emotional ride. it’s very different from my debut love, and you. i’m just you know, freaking out!!!
the blogging community has really played a key part in me releasing this collection. it’s raw, it’s sad, it’s not hopeful like the first one. welcome to ghost town really broke me because i went deep into traumatic experiences. this one has a trigger warnings list and an authors note. and yeah i’m super nervous and scared about people reading this to be honest. like i don’t know what to expect so i’ll sit here and cry.
talking about crying….THANK YOU FOR THIS!!
please hold…..HOLY SH!T I AM A MESS
these are the stories of
people i once knew.
they have come and
gone like ghosts in
the night. you might
not be a part of my
life anymore but
you’re still the ghosts
who haunt me.
– welcome to ghost town
thanks so much for being there!
hey everyone!!! i know it’s been a very long time. i hope you are all doing well. life has been really busy and honestly i haven’t read this year at all (i mean i read one book and i didn’t even love it tbh) but that’s for another post! i’m currently writing this and super emotional because this second poetry collection wouldn’t be here without any of you. this poetry collection started here on this blog in august of 2016 as people i once knew. i remember posting about two poems a month in regards to this blog series. and your feedback and love for each and every poem is something that has really helped me write this book. this collection has been really hard to write and a different process from love, and you. here’s the cover to people i once knew now titled welcome to ghost town.
welcome to ghost town is divided into 25 ghosts (parts) and each has the original poem that was on this blog plus 2-5 more shorter poems after. this is the synopsis:
these are the stories of
people i once knew.
they have come and
gone like ghosts in
the night. you might
not be a part of my
life anymore but
you’re still the ghosts
who haunt me.
– welcome to ghost town
this collection releases october 23rd and you can officially add it on goodreads!
Instagram: @chicnerdreads
Twitter: @chicnerdreads
this is a poem of how
i break my own heart
every single time
with every person
that has crossed
paths my way
i think about all
the ways you’ll
hurt me before
you ever see
my first smile
i think about how
much i’ll long for
you when we both
walk away from
whatever this is
i think about each
breath and how i’ll
become obsessed
reading your text
messages over and
over again just to
wear myself out
i think about how
i’ll see you with
someone else and
cry over the sadness
about how i’m going
through the same
shit again
and so i never
commit to anything
because i’ll be broken
before our first date
i cannot believe it’s already been a year since my debut poetry collection came out and now it’s a year old! ahh!!! thank you all so much for your love and support throughout my journey. it all started here on this blog, posting poetry and getting tons of support. some of the pieces that are in love, and you were first published in this very blog and wow i can’t believe its come a long way. thank you thank you thank you! without you, the book wouldn’t be where it’s at now. i’m still in shock with how many lives this book has touched. i’ve received the loveliest messages of what this poetry collection has done to people’s soul. in the beginning i didn’t understand why i went through what i did but it all makes sense now.
never heard of my book? it’s fine! here’s the synopsis and you can add it to goodreads here
one day i met a guy
who stole my heart,
we created a world
for ourselves.
and another day
he broke my heart
and shattered
my soul.
i took the tattered
pieces of this
broken soul and
became anew.
– here lies the hurting, the healing, and the learning
(please be advised this book has mature content)
i know this was a very long time ago, but remember that poetry blog series i had in 2016 titled people i once knew? guess what?! it’s officially going to be a book with a new title ‘welcome to ghost town’ and it will be released in october of this year! add it to goodreads here.
in case you’re wondering, i did change the name because i thought it was more fitting since it’s about the people who have haunted me and left a mark. if you’ve been around since people i once knew days, remember how i used to title them “people i once knew – part 1” “people i once knew – part 10” etc. ? well i left the parts in but now each part has a name with an additional 3-5 poems. i’m more nervous about this collection than anything because it’s different. there’s no healing pieces, there’s no self-discovery, it’s all about most people who have marked me. i hope you like it!
it’s national poetry month and amber @ YA Indulgences is dedicating her blog this month to poets. each and everyday there is a different feature. today on my one year anniversary, i wrote a guest post titled “benefits of reading poetry”. i would love if you’d check it out and leave some love. amber is also running a giveaway. click on the photo to be directed to her blog.
instagram: @chicnerdreads
twitter: @chicnerdreads
tell me then
about all these changes
the life imagined
a place of familiarity
where
problems
no
longer
exist
tell me about
how we came here
the wrongdoings
of our actions
and we no longer
dream of the
life imagined
tell me then
how love no longer
lives in our homes
and about the times
we forgot to live
because we became
so busy in our minds
chicnerdreads 