it’s all muted blue
the walls,
the love,
the sunflowers,
and there are no colors to paint it over
i cannot find them
it has been 5109 days
and i might just start counting again
it has been 1309 days
and it might just be the last
what is will?
the fox died some time ago
and the sunflowers are wilting too
what is purpose?
if the music doesn’t feel alive
the words are only a collection of jumbled letters
and i only see blue at the end of the tunnel
– gretchen gomez
hi friends! on september 1st, i made an announcement on twitter/instagram letting you all know that i was going to have a surprise on my birthday for you. i really wanted to surprise drop my poetry collection but as you know it, life happens and i refuse to give you half-assed art. with all that said, here’s 3 never-to-be-seen poems that will be featured in girasol.
if you’ve been here from the start, somewhere in the middle, or just got here, i want to say thank you. thank you for supporting me and for being patient. some days i feel like i know where girasol is headed and other days it grips me, demanding what needs to be said. i’ve learned that my art needs to be felt and not just told.
trigger warning for suicide and mentions of death.
september 19th, 2018 was the last time i tried taking a breath. it was the day before my 29th birthday. mami thought i went to do my nails for a celebration when in reality, i did them for my funeral. they were even a nude shade she liked. the weeks had passed by where i was being tormented. tortured thoughts of the girl who can never heal. who can never get over what’s been done and what’s been seen. those nights i would close my eyes and dream about the bodies that burned, the faces that i kept nameless, the hands that took my body without consent. and i tried so hard to not be consumed every night by the bottle. being sober and feeling the harsh loneliness that doesn’t apologize was overbearing at the least.
i had everything ready. the letters. the directions on how to publish my book that was releasing in a month. the pills. and don’t forget the paranoia. the way it creeps and keeps you up at night. feeling like someone is constantly watching and when you turn around, your shadow greets you and says “hi. i’ve been waiting for you.” and your shadow laughs right in your face.
that night papi asked me to go to church and i gave in. what’s one more night? i was not expecting God to meet me there nor to greet me. it had been a long time since we’ve communicated. God was an estranged father whom i was angry with. and there he was. waiting for me. in the form of a man who came up to me and said “don’t do it. do not kill yourself. who said I was done with you?”
i tossed the pills. burned the letters and directions. the paranoia stayed but i left that other girl behind on september 19th, 2018 and turned 29.
-gretchen gomez
reckless abandon pours from my mouth
some days i am unforgiving words
the violence escapes me
and i run after it
keeping it captive
softness is probably easier to swallow spew
what would i know
it slips off the hard edges
we have a hard time embracing one another
not like i’m standing here with open arms anyway
sitting at a crossroad with nowhere to go
expression and softness are closed off
soft words don’t exist for women like me
most of the time we are not heard
it is an interruption
a speak over
a protest over my expression
reckless abandon pours from my mouth
a roar
an anger
keeping it captive
this is how i am heard
-gretchen gomez
to the books that helped this broken heart of mine,
i want to say thank you.
i have traveled so many worlds for a small fee.
you have played an important role in my healing.
each page has transcended me.
taken me through various adventures
where i have lost myself
and didn’t want to come back to this reality.
how could i ever forget all the times
you have made me laugh, cry, and mostly
mended this soul of mine?
each word sows me back together.
my favorite quotes bringing me peace,
some have even given me clarity.
you have made me see situations differently.
i have learned so much from reading you,
grasping you, holding you tightly to my chest.
what is loneliness when i am with you?
there is a thrill to seeking you,
to not knowing what happens next.
i am an awe of all that you do for me.
so i keep searching after you.
leaving a piece of my heart behind with the last book.
and so to the books,
i once again say thank you.
for loving me something fiercely
and letting me love you in return.
-gretchen gomez
i would love to know your thoughts. thank you for stopping by!
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depression is the elephant in the room
it is the answer to all the questions i get asked
depression is not the reason i don’t get out of bed
because i still do
depression doesn’t pay my bills
but it is the reason why i won’t see you
i avoid you
at all cost
i am scared
these tears will fall like summer rain
and it wasn’t even part of the forecast
depression
i never asked for this
this hollow feeling
my chest has been ripped out
and it hurts
everything hurts
i want to apologize for all the times
i haven’t been there for you
depression has been visiting me
and you know how it is
we need to be the best hosts to our guests
i’m sorry
i’m so sorry that i’m not present
i’m sorry that i forget to text back
i’m sorry for never DMing you that meme
i saw on instagram
i swear to everything i thought about you
i’m sorry for being such a shitty friend
i’m sorry
i hope you understand that i’ve been busy
attending my visitor who didn’t even bother
to let me know they were coming
you say feminist like if i’m going home
with you tonight. you say feminist like if
we flirtin’ all night. like if..life if i’m gettin’
wet for you tonight. oh, you ain’t know?
it’s the sahara desert down there.
you say feminist the same way you
say babygirl and mami. you know i
like that shit. you say it like if..like if
you’re waiting for me to call you papi.
the only man i call papi is my papi.
the man who gave me life and wings to fly.
you say feminist in the same breath you
degrade women. like if..like if i’m supposed
to take that as a compliment. like if a man
runs up on her, you expect me to say that
she deserves it cause her skirt too short.
oh you ain’t know? i like wearing the skirts
and the dresses that hug the curves i was
blessed with. does that mean i deserved it too?
you say feminist like if gold drips out your
mouth and i’m supposed to swallow it.
thank you for the flaunting, i’ll see myself out now.
i never talk about this. being bipolar. because you automatically think that i’m happy one second and really angry the next. being bipolar is staying up all night researching the 3 states i’ll most likely move to, knowing the exact towns, looking at homes, calculating the money that i have/i’ll make and see if it’s worth the investment.
being bipolar is creating a thought in my head,painting a scenario, feeding it, yelling action, then yelling cut, adding another scene, taking away characters that don’t add up to the story, and finally falling asleep. but i only sleep for an hour or so at a time till my body twitches for the next fucking extremity. this next extremity is hungry for information. it’s 3 in the goddamn morning and i’m searching “cold cases” which subconsciously i know i shouldn’t do. you see, they’ll feed into my paranoia and when i’m in this extreme state, there is no stopping me, what is rationalizing?
nothing is satisfying me at this point, i’m delusional, i’ve written so many dark things on the notebook i keep on my nightstand. poems that i tell myself, maybe i’ll share them on instagram one day. now i’m thinking about instagram and my writing and i start getting angry at how the world thinks likes on instagram means success. what does success mean to me? it means quality, now i’m searching for books on being a quality writer and i’ve added all these books to my private wishlist on amazon. i already checked out these writers online but i don’t follow any of them. so i just keep writing and writing and writing, nonsense, none of it makes sense. my alarm rings at 6:50am but who needs an alarm when you’ve been up all night? my best friends text me wishing a great day. the guy who still checks on me from time to time tells me he loves me. my neighbor says good morning while he goes outside to smoke a cigarette. and no one knows that i’ve just had a manic episode and that soon i’ll isolate myself because i’m hollow now and i’m crying for no reason. i’m falling from the high.
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Title: Baptized in Moonlight
Author: Morgan Scott
Genre: Poetry
Publisher: Morgan Scott
Format: Paperback
Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
Pub. Date: November 24, 2018
Synopsis:
In this collection of poems, Morgan Scott depicts the story of a young girl turned ferocious woman, and ties her growth to the phases of the moon. Written with the intimacy and unflinching honesty of an untamed spirit scorned and reborn, Baptized in Moonlight is a book for anyone who has ever felt as if the odds were stacked against them. Filled with painful acknowledgments of broken relationships – and the hope of a life lived with wild passion – you will dive to the depths and ascend to new peaks as you begin your own journey through the lunar cycle. This collection is part heartbreak story, part coming of age, part love song, and part battle cry. You will find yourself among the pages, and be spurred to get to know yourself on a deeper level.
Baptized in Moonlight is divided into 4 sections titled Waning, New, Waxing, and Full. Each phase of the moon (section) is tied to the authors growth, her journey, and things she has gone through. This poetry collection has themes of heartbreak, healing, abuse, finding yourself, spirituality, motherhood, self-love, and acceptance.
it is heavy
to carry my sadness
over my shoulder
every place i traveland yet
she is the only consistent
friend that i have ever knownand there is comfort
in knowing
that she will never
leave meno matter how hard i try
to release her
I really enjoyed this collection and read it in a few sittings, wanting to take it all in slowly. I loved how the author not only named the sections the phases of the moon but she also gave it definition. The poems in this collection are longer than what I usually see nowadays in poetry collections and I loved that too!! Morgan Scott really conveys her emotions and impact with her words. There are also illustrations sprinkled throughout the book which gave it an extra touch.
love is not slipping
not choking
it is not bending
as far backwards as your body can
until it breakslove is not toeing the line
between anger and passion
worried that one wrong move
will land you in terrorlove is not hiding yourself
trying to contort into his dream girllove is not dumbing yourself down
to make him appear smarterlove is not not not not not not
the rush of air before his palm
strikes your cheekso don’t believe him when
he tells you it is
because the picture he has built of love
is one that temporarily plugs his wounds
while ripping yours open
Although I don’t rate poetry books based on connection, I ended up really connecting with the poems and author. Specifically with her poems about god, spirituality, self (surrounding those previous themes mentioned). It felt nice to feel understood in that aspect. I really appreciate the author just being straight forward and not making it pretty. Poetry that is raw like this really gets me in my feels. I found myself dog earring (yes, judge me) a lot of her poems. Overall, I would highly recommend this poetry collection! Also, the author is super freaking sweet and you should check her out. Her links will be at the bottom!
women are born full
full of magic
and tendernessour hands
and our hearts
have carried the weight of
the entire galaxy
for generationswe could tap into our
mother energy
and heal the world of pain
if only you would
move out of our way
Author Links:
Instagram
Amazon
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hey everyone!!! i know it’s been a very long time. i hope you are all doing well. life has been really busy and honestly i haven’t read this year at all (i mean i read one book and i didn’t even love it tbh) but that’s for another post! i’m currently writing this and super emotional because this second poetry collection wouldn’t be here without any of you. this poetry collection started here on this blog in august of 2016 as people i once knew. i remember posting about two poems a month in regards to this blog series. and your feedback and love for each and every poem is something that has really helped me write this book. this collection has been really hard to write and a different process from love, and you. here’s the cover to people i once knew now titled welcome to ghost town.
welcome to ghost town is divided into 25 ghosts (parts) and each has the original poem that was on this blog plus 2-5 more shorter poems after. this is the synopsis:
these are the stories of
people i once knew.
they have come and
gone like ghosts in
the night. you might
not be a part of my
life anymore but
you’re still the ghosts
who haunt me.
– welcome to ghost town
this collection releases october 23rd and you can officially add it on goodreads!
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this is a poem of how
i break my own heart
every single time
with every person
that has crossed
paths my way
i think about all
the ways you’ll
hurt me before
you ever see
my first smile
i think about how
much i’ll long for
you when we both
walk away from
whatever this is
i think about each
breath and how i’ll
become obsessed
reading your text
messages over and
over again just to
wear myself out
i think about how
i’ll see you with
someone else and
cry over the sadness
about how i’m going
through the same
shit again
and so i never
commit to anything
because i’ll be broken
before our first date
i cannot believe it’s already been a year since my debut poetry collection came out and now it’s a year old! ahh!!! thank you all so much for your love and support throughout my journey. it all started here on this blog, posting poetry and getting tons of support. some of the pieces that are in love, and you were first published in this very blog and wow i can’t believe its come a long way. thank you thank you thank you! without you, the book wouldn’t be where it’s at now. i’m still in shock with how many lives this book has touched. i’ve received the loveliest messages of what this poetry collection has done to people’s soul. in the beginning i didn’t understand why i went through what i did but it all makes sense now.
never heard of my book? it’s fine! here’s the synopsis and you can add it to goodreads here
one day i met a guy
who stole my heart,
we created a world
for ourselves.
and another day
he broke my heart
and shattered
my soul.
i took the tattered
pieces of this
broken soul and
became anew.
– here lies the hurting, the healing, and the learning
(please be advised this book has mature content)
i know this was a very long time ago, but remember that poetry blog series i had in 2016 titled people i once knew? guess what?! it’s officially going to be a book with a new title ‘welcome to ghost town’ and it will be released in october of this year! add it to goodreads here.
in case you’re wondering, i did change the name because i thought it was more fitting since it’s about the people who have haunted me and left a mark. if you’ve been around since people i once knew days, remember how i used to title them “people i once knew – part 1” “people i once knew – part 10” etc. ? well i left the parts in but now each part has a name with an additional 3-5 poems. i’m more nervous about this collection than anything because it’s different. there’s no healing pieces, there’s no self-discovery, it’s all about most people who have marked me. i hope you like it!
it’s national poetry month and amber @ YA Indulgences is dedicating her blog this month to poets. each and everyday there is a different feature. today on my one year anniversary, i wrote a guest post titled “benefits of reading poetry”. i would love if you’d check it out and leave some love. amber is also running a giveaway. click on the photo to be directed to her blog.
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