hi friends! on september 1st, i made an announcement on twitter/instagram letting you all know that i was going to have a surprise on my birthday for you. i really wanted to surprise drop my poetry collection but as you know it, life happens and i refuse to give you half-assed art. with all that said, here’s 3 never-to-be-seen poems that will be featured in girasol.
if you’ve been here from the start, somewhere in the middle, or just got here, i want to say thank you. thank you for supporting me and for being patient. some days i feel like i know where girasol is headed and other days it grips me, demanding what needs to be said. i’ve learned that my art needs to be felt and not just told.
trigger warning for suicide and mentions of death.
september 19th, 2018 was the last time i tried taking a breath. it was the day before my 29th birthday. mami thought i went to do my nails for a celebration when in reality, i did them for my funeral. they were even a nude shade she liked. the weeks had passed by where i was being tormented. tortured thoughts of the girl who can never heal. who can never get over what’s been done and what’s been seen. those nights i would close my eyes and dream about the bodies that burned, the faces that i kept nameless, the hands that took my body without consent. and i tried so hard to not be consumed every night by the bottle. being sober and feeling the harsh loneliness that doesn’t apologize was overbearing at the least.
i had everything ready. the letters. the directions on how to publish my book that was releasing in a month. the pills. and don’t forget the paranoia. the way it creeps and keeps you up at night. feeling like someone is constantly watching and when you turn around, your shadow greets you and says “hi. i’ve been waiting for you.” and your shadow laughs right in your face.
that night papi asked me to go to church and i gave in. what’s one more night? i was not expecting God to meet me there nor to greet me. it had been a long time since we’ve communicated. God was an estranged father whom i was angry with. and there he was. waiting for me. in the form of a man who came up to me and said “don’t do it. do not kill yourself. who said I was done with you?”
i tossed the pills. burned the letters and directions. the paranoia stayed but i left that other girl behind on september 19th, 2018 and turned 29.
-gretchen gomez
reckless abandon pours from my mouth
some days i am unforgiving words
the violence escapes me
and i run after it
keeping it captive
softness is probably easier to swallow spew
what would i know
it slips off the hard edges
we have a hard time embracing one another
not like i’m standing here with open arms anyway
sitting at a crossroad with nowhere to go
expression and softness are closed off
soft words don’t exist for women like me
most of the time we are not heard
it is an interruption
a speak over
a protest over my expression
reckless abandon pours from my mouth
a roar
an anger
keeping it captive
this is how i am heard
-gretchen gomez
to the books that helped this broken heart of mine,
i want to say thank you.
i have traveled so many worlds for a small fee.
you have played an important role in my healing.
each page has transcended me.
taken me through various adventures
where i have lost myself
and didn’t want to come back to this reality.
how could i ever forget all the times
you have made me laugh, cry, and mostly
mended this soul of mine?
each word sows me back together.
my favorite quotes bringing me peace,
some have even given me clarity.
you have made me see situations differently.
i have learned so much from reading you,
grasping you, holding you tightly to my chest.
what is loneliness when i am with you?
there is a thrill to seeking you,
to not knowing what happens next.
i am an awe of all that you do for me.
so i keep searching after you.
leaving a piece of my heart behind with the last book.
and so to the books,
i once again say thank you.
for loving me something fiercely
and letting me love you in return.
-gretchen gomez
i would love to know your thoughts. thank you for stopping by!
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Title: Baptized in Moonlight
i cannot believe it’s already been a year since my debut poetry collection came out and now it’s a year old! ahh!!! thank you all so much for your love and support throughout my journey. it all started here on this blog, posting poetry and getting tons of support. some of the pieces that are in love, and you were first published in this very blog and wow i can’t believe its come a long way. thank you thank you thank you! without you, the book wouldn’t be where it’s at now. i’m still in shock with how many lives this book has touched. i’ve received the loveliest messages of what this poetry collection has done to people’s soul. in the beginning i didn’t understand why i went through what i did but it all makes sense now.
Sea of Strangers by Lang Leav
the boys i’ve loved & the end of the world by catarine hancock
from scars to beauty by nicki naomi
soft in the middle by shelby eileen
Lovely Seeds by R.H. Swaney
chicnerdreads 