3 poems featured in girasol

hi friends! on september 1st, i made an announcement on twitter/instagram letting you all know that i was going to have a surprise on my birthday for you. i really wanted to surprise drop my poetry collection but as you know it, life happens and i refuse to give you half-assed art. with all that said, here’s 3 never-to-be-seen poems that will be featured in girasol.

if you’ve been here from the start, somewhere in the middle, or just got here, i want to say thank you. thank you for supporting me and for being patient. some days i feel like i know where girasol is headed and other days it grips me, demanding what needs to be said. i’ve learned that my art needs to be felt and not just told.

trigger warning for suicide and mentions of death.


september 19th, 2018 was the last time i tried taking a breath. it was the day before my 29th birthday. mami thought i went to do my nails for a celebration when in reality, i did them for my funeral. they were even a nude shade she liked. the weeks had passed by where i was being tormented. tortured thoughts of the girl who can never heal. who can never get over what’s been done and what’s been seen. those nights i would close my eyes and dream about the bodies that burned, the faces that i kept nameless, the hands that took my body without consent. and i tried so hard to not be consumed every night by the bottle. being sober and feeling the harsh loneliness that doesn’t apologize was overbearing at the least.

i had everything ready. the letters. the directions on how to publish my book that was releasing in a month. the pills. and don’t forget the paranoia. the way it creeps and keeps you up at night. feeling like someone is constantly watching and when you turn around, your shadow greets you and says “hi. i’ve been waiting for you.” and your shadow laughs right in your face.

that night papi asked me to go to church and i gave in. what’s one more night? i was not expecting God to meet me there nor to greet me. it had been a long time since we’ve communicated. God was an estranged father whom i was angry with. and there he was. waiting for me. in the form of a man who came up to me and said “don’t do it. do not kill yourself. who said I was done with you?”

i tossed the pills. burned the letters and directions. the paranoia stayed but i left that other girl behind on september 19th, 2018 and turned 29.

-gretchen gomez

reckless abandon pours from my mouth
some days i am unforgiving words
the violence escapes me
and i run after it
keeping it captive

softness is probably easier to swallow spew
what would i know
it slips off the hard edges
we have a hard time embracing one another
not like i’m standing here with open arms anyway

sitting at a crossroad with nowhere to go
expression and softness are closed off

soft words don’t exist for women like me
most of the time we are not heard
it is an interruption
a speak over
a protest over my expression

reckless abandon pours from my mouth
a roar
an anger
keeping it captive
this is how i am heard

-gretchen gomez

to the books that helped this broken heart of mine,
i want to say thank you.
i have traveled so many worlds for a small fee.
you have played an important role in my healing.

each page has transcended me.
taken me through various adventures
where i have lost myself
and didn’t want to come back to this reality.

how could i ever forget all the times
you have made me laugh, cry, and mostly
mended this soul of mine?

each word sows me back together.
my favorite quotes bringing me peace,
some have even given me clarity.

you have made me see situations differently.
i have learned so much from reading you,
grasping you, holding you tightly to my chest.
what is loneliness when i am with you?

there is a thrill to seeking you,
to not knowing what happens next.
i am an awe of all that you do for me.
so i keep searching after you.
leaving a piece of my heart behind with the last book.

and so to the books,
i once again say thank you.
for loving me something fiercely
and letting me love you in return.

-gretchen gomez


i would love to know your thoughts. thank you for stopping by!
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on being absent and other things

depression is the elephant in the room
it is the answer to all the questions i get asked

depression is not the reason i don’t get out of bed
because i still do

depression doesn’t pay my bills
but it is the reason why i won’t see you
i avoid you
at all cost
i am scared
these tears will fall like summer rain
and it wasn’t even part of the forecast

depression

i never asked for this
this hollow feeling
my chest has been ripped out
and it hurts
everything hurts

i want to apologize for all the times
i haven’t been there for you
depression has been visiting me
and you know how it is
we need to be the best hosts to our guests

i’m sorry
i’m so sorry that i’m not present
i’m sorry that i forget to text back
i’m sorry for never DMing you that meme
i saw on instagram
i swear to everything i thought about you
i’m sorry for being such a shitty friend
i’m sorry

i hope you understand that i’ve been busy
attending my visitor who didn’t even bother
to let me know they were coming

jodios pendejos

you say feminist like if i’m going home
with you tonight. you say feminist like if
we flirtin’ all night. like if..life if i’m gettin’
wet for you tonight. oh, you ain’t know?
it’s the sahara desert down there.

you say feminist the same way you
say babygirl and mami. you know i
like that shit. you say it like if..like if
you’re waiting for me to call you papi.
the only man i call papi is my papi.
the man who gave me life and wings to fly.

you say feminist in the same breath you
degrade women. like if..like if i’m supposed
to take that as a compliment. like if a man
runs up on her, you expect me to say that
she deserves it cause her skirt too short.

oh you ain’t know? i like wearing the skirts
and the dresses that hug the curves i was
blessed with. does that mean i deserved it too?

you say feminist like if gold drips out your
mouth and i’m supposed to swallow it.
thank you for the flaunting, i’ll see myself out now.

being bipolar is an extreme sport

i never talk about this. being bipolar. because you automatically think that i’m happy one second and really angry the next. being bipolar is staying up all night researching the 3 states i’ll most likely move to, knowing the exact towns, looking at homes, calculating the money that i have/i’ll make and see if it’s worth the investment.

being bipolar is creating a thought in my head,painting a scenario, feeding it, yelling action, then yelling cut, adding another scene, taking away characters that don’t add up to the story, and finally falling asleep. but i only sleep for an hour or so at a time till my body twitches for the next fucking extremity. this next extremity is hungry for information. it’s 3 in the goddamn morning and i’m searching “cold cases” which subconsciously i know i shouldn’t do. you see, they’ll feed into my paranoia and when i’m in this extreme state, there is no stopping me, what is rationalizing?

nothing is satisfying me at this point, i’m delusional, i’ve written so many dark things on the notebook i keep on my nightstand. poems that i tell myself, maybe i’ll share them on instagram one day. now i’m thinking about instagram and my writing and i start getting angry at how the world thinks likes on instagram means success. what does success mean to me? it means quality, now i’m searching for books on being a quality writer and i’ve added all these books to my private wishlist on amazon. i already checked out these writers online but i don’t follow any of them. so i just keep writing and writing and writing, nonsense, none of it makes sense. my alarm rings at 6:50am but who needs an alarm when you’ve been up all night? my best friends text me wishing a great day. the guy who still checks on me from time to time tells me he loves me. my neighbor says good morning while he goes outside to smoke a cigarette. and no one knows that i’ve just had a manic episode and that soon i’ll isolate myself because i’m hollow now and i’m crying for no reason. i’m falling from the high.


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i don’t know what to title this again

i write today with sadness / all that’s left of me / here drenched for the world to see / i count lately / i count how long i’ll last here / i count the time i have / the time to my explosion / here is my truth / i’ve become a ghost myself / the insanity is me now / depression is a home where i lay my head to rest and i can’t find a way to move out / i am trapped here / i find a window to escape from / somehow i come back / i write today with sadness / i’ve always written with sadness / here is the truth you don’t see

this is a poem of how i break my own heart

this is a poem of how
i break my own heart

every single time
with every person
that has crossed
paths my way

i think about all
the ways you’ll
hurt me before
you ever see
my first smile

i think about how
much i’ll long for
you when we both
walk away from
whatever this is

i think about each
breath and how i’ll
become obsessed
reading your text
messages over and
over again just to
wear myself out

i think about how
i’ll see you with
someone else and
cry over the sadness
about how i’m going
through the same
shit again

and so i never
commit to anything
because i’ll be broken
before our first date

poetry book haul

hello everyone! i am here today with a poetry book haul. i was gifted a barnes and noble gift-card for christmas and was like ” P O E T R Y  B O O K S !!!” lol so without further ado lets get started!

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36100966Sea of Strangers by Lang Leav

Synopsis: Sea of Strangers by Lang Leav picks up from her previous international bestselling books including Love & Misadventure, Lullabies, and The Universe of Us, and sets sail for a grand new adventure.

This completely original collection of poetry and prose will not only delight her avid fans but is sure to capture the imagination of a whole new audience. With the turn of every page, Sea of Strangers invites you to go beyond love and loss to explore themes of self-discovery and empowerment as you navigate your way around the human heart.

 

 

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36282706the boys i’ve loved & the end of the world by catarine hancock

Synopsis: ‘the boys i’ve loved and the end of the world’ is the long awaited poetry and prose collection by catarine hancock, popularly known by the user “evanescent.love” on instagram. known for writing unique, raw and captivating pieces on everything from love and politics, to abuse and womanhood, catarine knows how to tug at both your heartstrings and your mind.

cover art by mikaela bailey.

 

 

 

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37004309from scars to beauty by nicki naomi

Synopsis: From Scars to Beauty is a poetry collection based on the epiphanies of a woman as she heads down the road to self-discovery during a difficult time in her marriage. She is blind sighted by the events of her traumatic childhood that rushed back to her during the process, although she had been pushing them aside for many years. She begins to write, hoping to organize her thoughts. Instead what she found was: truth, healing, a reborn passion, a voice, forgiveness and most of all, herself.

 

 

 

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36812982soft in the middle by shelby eileen

Synopsis:
“there are so many words I’ve left unsaid
so instead of going another year or five or ten
in brutal, crushing silence
don’t waste this opportunity
don’t be scared when the full weight of my heart
tests the strength of your hands
I’m trusting you with something I barely trust myself with
this knowing
this telling
this momentous uprooting
I’m here
I am
I am right here in these words”

A debut poetry collection about love, heartbreak, body image, how absolutely breathtaking girls are, flower blooms and starlight.

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36680203Lovely Seeds by R.H. Swaney

Synopsis: ‘Lovely Seeds’ is a collection of poetry that touches on the topics of mental health, self-love, and loving others with bite-size pieces that are meant to provoke thought and self-exploration.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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and that is all for today! i really cannot wait to read these. i don’t know which one to pick up first lol. i did read a sampler and reviewed shelby’s collection before. however, now that i have the full book in front of me, it’s a must read. all of these poets have instagram that you can check out for more poetry. a kindly reminder to please cross-review on both goodreads and amazon, it helps us indie authors in a great way. that is all for today, thank you!


instagram: @chicnerdreads
twitter: @chicnerdreads

3 Mini Poetry Reviews

Hey all!!! I am still trying to get into the swing of things with coming back to blogging. Life’s been a little hard and just out of the loop. Having family here from PR amongst other personal things, I feel like stability isn’t quite by my side. Anyways! I’ve read poetry in October and I don’t really have much to say but READ IT lol. All of these are 5 star reviews! So without further ado, let’s get started!


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Title: soft in the middle
Author: Shelby Lafreniere

synopsis: Warning: these poems contain soft subject matter. About love, heartbreak, body image, how absolutely breathtaking girls are, flower blooms and starlight.
This is a small sampling of poems from my larger collection called ‘soft in the middle’, available for free download here.

Review:

Currently, soft in the middle is a small sampling of poems from shelby’s larger collection that is to come. This sample previews 25 poems filled with self-reflection, heartbreak, family, darkness, stardust, and other topics. I cannot wait for the full collection because this sampler was amazing. I felt like Shelby really put her feelings and emotions all on paper. Her poetry reflects different parts of her and I can’t imagine what else she has in store with the full collection. here’s one of the poems (format changed a little because of the blog):

THE LANGUAGE OF STARS

she looks up at the night sky
and often finds that what she sees
is what she feels inside

when the stars float brightly
she thinks
breathing is like swimming
the water holds me so gently
the weight of everything
is easy to hold

when the clouds cloak the world in darkness
she thinks
it’s getting harder
to dream
of possibility

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35606560
Title: the sun and her flowers
Author: Rupi Kaur

synopsis: Divided into five chapters and illustrated by Kaur, the sun and her flowers is a journey of wilting, falling, rooting, rising, and blooming. A celebration of love in all its forms.

this is the recipe of life
said my mother
as she held me in her arms as i wept
think of those flowers you plant
in the garden each year
they will teach you
that people too
must wilt
fall
root
rise
in order to bloom

Review:

Trigger Warnings: Rape, Harm

OMG THIS COLLECTION HAD ME A BALL OF TEARS!!!! I loved this one more than Milk and Honey to be completely honest. the sun and her flowers is a poetry collection divided into 5 different sections and each section is dedicated to a certain theme. This book has poems filled with heartbreak, self-love, immigration, family, culture, friendships, growing, learning, and on and on and on. This collection is raw and simple. Her poems go straight to the point. I connected so much to the heartbreak poems, immigration poems, and family poems. As a woman of color myself, the poems where Rupi talks about her family coming here from another country really hit home for me. It made me cry but smile at the same time because to see that a woman of color is talking about these things, our struggles here on a land that doesn’t really want us made me feel like “wow someone other than me gets it”. here’s a poem:

they have no idea what it is like
to lose home at the risk of
never finding home again
to have your entire life
split between two lands and
become the bridge between two countries

– immigrant

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35489042
Title: Pillow Thoughts
Author: Courtney Peppernell

synopsis: Make a cup of tea and let yourself feel.

Pillow Thoughts is a collection of poetry and prose about heartbreak, love, and raw emotions. It is divided into sections to read when you feel you need them most.

 

 

Review:

Trigger Warnings: Self-Harm, Suicide Ideation

Another favorite poetry collection added to the list of favorites that keeps piling up. This collection is divided into 10 different sections: if you are dreaming of someone, if you are in love, if you are heartbroken, if you are lonely, if you are sad, if you are missing someone, if you need encouragement, if you are soul-searching, if you need a reason to stay, these are for you. I was moved by so many of these poems, I felt Courtney’s emotions through each section which all flowed beautifully. Her poetry is filled with love, sadness, despair, loneliness, and positivity. To me, her words were simply pure. I cannot wait to read more by this author! here’s a poem:

Of all the important things you must do today, there is none
greater than showing kindness to your heart. For even the
brightest make mistakes and the wisest do not have a thing
to say. Be gentle with yourself, forgive yourself, even on your
darkest day.

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and that is all for the mini poetry reviews! have you read any of these or plan to? i would love to chat in the comments about poetry!!!


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