venom and fire shouldn’t be paired together

i take a few steps
back to look at the
scenery before me.

i wonder if maybe
i should spew the
words my heart
so much desires.

the scenery looks
like a wildfire filled
with disastrous
complications.

the scenery looks
to be filled with
more problems
than peace.

the scenery looks
like pain and
heartache.

the scenery looks
like a dead end
leading to absolutely
n o w h e r e .

these words will
only add more
fuel to a fire that
can’t be put out.

– my silence has always been the loudest conversation in the room

i don’t know if this makes sense

i have walked these
dreadful feet through
mud filled with agony,
hate, hurt, burden, and
loss. at the end of
the hard walk, i’ve
still found myself
standing in a dark
tunnel of madness.

the best times for me
are always in my
silence wondering
about nothing. yet,
still figuring myself
out all at the same time.

feeling some type of
comfort after a breath
in those times of needing
myself rather than
anybody else.

because i am loner with a soul and a heart of stone

august/september wrap-up, life update, and 6 months of love, and you?

hi hello hola! i am back!! i missed you all and it feels great to be back after a month of me gone. a lot has happened and i’m not sure i’m ready to talk about it. september was a really hectic month with everything i spoke about in my hiatus post, my birthday, and hurricane maria..it’s a lot to deal with at the moment but i’m happy to be back in my element again. it’s been a little over a month and i just wanted to come back so bad *cries for ever*

 

 

---

 

if you are wondering why i mentioned hurricane maria or if you don’t follow me on twitter, then know i am Puerto Rican. although i have my immediate family here in the states. i want to say 98% of my family is in Puerto Rico. ever since the hurricane hit, this has been one of the toughest times. with not knowing about my family for a few days, to then us finding out that yes they are okay and alive but there’s no food and water. being over here and feeling so helpless. it’s a lot to take in. my family also happens to be on the west side which is always forgotten. the town my family is in isn’t even receiving supplies. this whole situation just sucks..let’s not even talk about the president *eye roll* therefore, i wanted to use this platform and let you know that there is a way to help by maybe donating here:

• Unidos Por Puerto Rico (United for Puerto Rico)
• Hispanic Federation

---

The Wrap Up’s

i didn’t read much these past two months due to everything that has been going on in my life. i read 3 poetry books and 2 YA novels.

• Stalking Jacking the Ripper (SJTR #1) by Kerri Maniscalco
  A 4 star read for me! This YA Historical Fiction Mystery is definitely a book that I would highly recommend. I loved the story, the setting, the steampunk elements and the mystery. This book was worth every single turned page. I cannot wait to read Hunting Prince Dracula which I am seeing is getting tons of more love. If you click the title of the book, it will lead you to my review =)
• Warcross (Warcross #1) by Marie Lu
  A 5 star and all of the above read!!!! This futuristic YA Sci-Fi novel will set you in a technological advanced world where you get to live in a virtual reality and still live in the real world. This book was definitely a favorite read for 2017. I cannot wait to read the next books!! The title of this book will lead you to my rave review.

each of these poetry books were 5 stars
titles will take you to goodread page

• [redacted] by trista mateer
  “This comes in the form of handwritten notes and poetry fragments, iPhone note poetry, tweets, Craigslist ads, and more. This mix of poetry and prose spans a single month and covers topics such as heartbreak, gender, sexuality, and forgiveness.”
  That’s the goodreads synopsis. Are you convinced yet? You should read it.
• Mad Woman by Kat Savage
  “Mad Woman whish is comprised of 40 pieces that capture her stream on conscious, her confessions, and her strange thoughts. In Mad Woman, she bears it all and embraces her madness driven by loneliness and disappointment.”
  I CRIED SO MUCH WHILE READING THIS BOOK. I FELT LIKE SHE WROTE THIS ONE FOR ME. FOR THE BROKEN GIRLS WHO FEEL LIKE THEY CAN’T EXPRESS THEMSELVES. OMG THIS BOOK!!
• The Last Time I’ll Write About You by Dawn Lanuza
  “Should I be
  Thankful
  Or
  Regretful
  That my only idea
  Of love
  Is
  You?”
  A book filled with heartbreak poetry and words of love and loss. I loved reading this. I was nodding my head with a lot of these poems because I understand the author’s words.

---

 

today so happens to be the 6 month anniversary of love, and you…which i can’t quite believe and i wrote a thing for all of you ❤ if you want to check more on my poetry book, click here.

---

and that is all for now. sorry i’m a little all over the place lol. it feels great to be back and i cannot wait to blog hop, check what all of you have been up to. i plan on doing a book haul and book tag soon. maybe post a poem later on this week about my island puerto rico. my heart lays heavy. love you all!

---

instagram: @chicnerdreads
twitter: @chicnerdreads

life and a hiatus

have you ever blog hopped or just looked at people’s online accounts and wonder how their life is behind the screen? i do all the time because life isn’t so easy with me. and now i am sitting behind this screen crying cause anxiety isn’t very nice either. i don’t talk much about my personal life on here because this is my escape but i can only imagine that maybe you have a glimpse if you’ve read my poetry. there are people i talk to everyday who don’t have the slightest clue of what goes on in my brain and personal life, i’m not one to spill all of my guts out. but i guess i’ll share a little with you today since i am going on a hiatus for a few weeks.

i was born and raised in the bronx, i still live here in the bx. i always knew that one day i wanted to move out, things aren’t getting any better here. there is a thing called gentrification which is affecting all of this city. if you don’t know what gentrification means, here is the online definition: the process of renovating and improving a house or district so that it conforms to middle-class taste. in other words, all the poor people are forced to move out and since the bronx is the cheapest/poorest, a lot of people are coming here. in which has affected a lot of the residents from the bronx. many people have misconceptions of the bronx which gets me really angry because thankfully i never had to deal with being robbed/stabbed/shot, etc. i need you to know that crimes happen everyday, everywhere.

however, these past few years have gotten really bad because there is an overpopulation of people like never before. the current neighborhood that i live in has gotten out of control and we cannot deal with it anymore. there are currently 4 houses being sold on my block alone, including mine, so we are moving out of the bronx which means i have to finally learn how to drive….driving is a very scary thing for me. i have traumas due to accidents and this city isn’t very driver friendly. i tense up, get panic attacks, my mind gets blocked when i think of getting behind the wheel. but i have to do it which is why i’m going on a hiatus. there are also a lot of other things going on in my life but selling my house, getting another home, moving, my divers license just happened out of nowhere and i need to focus on that. my family needs me and so i need to take a break before something bad happens health wise. having paranoia, depression, and anxiety isn’t easy to deal with, especially with all that’s going on. there are decisions in my personal life that i need to make. i love my blog and i never want to stop blogging, i just need to go away for a few weeks till things get settled again. cause right now my mind is going on a mile per minute. so i really hope you stay while i’m away ❤

The Sunshine Blogger Award #3

It’s been such a long time since I’ve done a Sunshine Blogger Award! Whoaaaaaa!!! Thank you Flavia @ Flavia the Bibliophile for awarding me with this! Her questions are amazing and I cannot wait to read them! Also, definitely check out her awesome blog.

Rules

1.) Thank the person who nominated you in a blog post and link back to their blog.
2.) Answer the 11 questions sent by the person who nominated you.
3.) Nominate 11 new blogs to receive the award and write them 11 new questions.
4.) List the rules and display the Sunshine Blogger Award logo in your post and/or on your blog.

***Before we start, I want to make a note that if you ever tag me, please tag a blog post so that I can see it. For some reason due to my theme, I won’t get a notification/ping-back if you tag my about me or blog link. Thanks so much! Let’s get started!***

1. What are you reading right now?
   Odd & True by Cat Winters
2. What was your favourite read from 2016?
   OMG so many to choose from but I’ll have to say Illuminae by Aime Kaufman and Jay Kristoff
3. What is your favourite read of 2017 so far?
   The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern. Definitely started off the year with a bang!
4. Do you read more than one book at once? Why? Why not?
   The only time I ever read two books at once is if I am reading a fiction (any sub genre in this category) book and take a break to read a poetry book which doesn’t happen all the time. I cannot read two fiction books or two poetry books at the same time. My mind does not do well at all lol. I admire people who can read multiple books at the same time.
5. Do you enjoy reading classics?
   Nope.
6. What is your ideal reading spot?
   My bedroom, I can read well on my bed or the floor lol.
7. Do you read when you travel?
   No I do not!!! I usually can read on the plane or car ride but I do not read on vacation.
8. How many books do you read in a month (approximately)?
   My reading has slowed down tremendously this year due to being an author now lol. I would say 3-4 books per month.
9. How many books do you read in a year (approximately)?
   About 50 to 60 books per year but that most likely will be lower this year.
10. What is your favourite genre? Why?
    OMG this is so hard! No it isn’t lol it’s a tie between anything YA and poetry. I feel like I connect most to these genres, poetry for personal reasons and YA for the fun. I love reading action packed YA stories, oh it just takes me to another world!
11. Do you read more during a particular season than other seasons?
    I read a lot more during Fall/Winter/Spring seasons because once summer comes, I have a lot of guest in my household *side eye* and that messes with my reading time.

I suck at tagging people and making questions up so I will definitely be passing this part lol. Call me a rule breaker? I would love to chat in the comments though! Do we have anything in common?

---

Instagram: @chicnerdreads
Twitter: @chicnerdreads

Conspiracy Theory Thursday: Deja Vu

Welcome to my all new monthly feature called Conspiracy Theory Thursday! Once a month I will talk about a brand new theory, be it Mermaids, Aliens, Area 51, Men in Black, Atlantis, etc. etc. etc. I am absolutely obsessed with theories and keeping in open mind. I wholeheartedly believe that the government keeps things from us. I believe that the universe is way too big for us to be the only living beings. I also believe that there are many things living in our ocean..I mean less than 5% of the ocean has been explored, REALLY?!

Today’s theory is all about Deja Vu and if you’re wondering why I chose this one as my first is because for the last 3 months, I have been experiencing heavy Deja Vu. I will mention different theories and please note that I do not agree with all theories. At the end of the post, I do discuss which one I believe in.

Deja Vu
noun: a feeling of having experienced the present situation

---

image from paranormalglobe

According to a few articles, scientist have proven such a thing as multiverse. Research has shown that there are multiple universes. Which honestly is mind blowing and yet not surprising at all with how huge the universe is and planets being discovered all the time. But back to how this connects to Deja Vu. It has been said that from these multiple universes, parallels to the current universe we live in exist. In other words, we have a parallel us existing in a parallel earth.

The way this takes into effect is that when we experience Deja Vu it is because our parallel self in the parallel universe is doing exactly what we’re doing at the same time. In other words, creating an alignment between two universes. The parallel is overlapping and colliding with us in our current state, we are experiencing the same vibration in frequencies which is why Deja Vu comes so suddenly.

We have Deja Vu due to a precognitive dream. A precognitive dream is when a dream predicts something that’s going to happen in the future. Research states that the average person has 4 to 6 dreams per night and sometimes even 7-8. However, once we wake up, we quickly forget most of them or all of them altogether (so you’re definitely dreaming every night). Some studies show that dreams have similarities to future events which would explain why we experience Deja Vu, because what if we already dreamt the present situation but we don’t quite remember the dream?

Short story time, this has happened to me. I have dreamed a future situation but had forgotten the dream. However, when I experienced Deja Vu, it’s as if the sensation of being in that place and time already made me remember the dream and exact day as to when I had the forgotten dream.

Since there’s no scientific evidence for Deja Vu, however plenty of research has been done, there’s a theory that we experience Deja Vu because of a glitch in the brain due to how memory is stored in the brain. An example would be a familiar scent causing a recollection of a memory. Our brains search through our memories to make the connection to that familiar scent (memory check), instead the brain starts signaling there’s a memory error. Which means that there was a problem in our brain connecting with what we actually smelled and what we thought we had smelled, therefore that Deja Vu is “the birth of a false memory”.

---

 

The theory that I believe in is actually a tie between theory a and theory b! I do believe that there are multiverse/parallel universes and I also believe in the dream theory because of my own experience. When I have Deja Vu and it doesn’t remind me of a dream I had, then I immediately say “parallel stop messing with my frequencies, k thanks” lol.

***Please be advised that there a lot more theories than the three I mentioned. I chose these three because they sound more realistic than other theories I’ve read/heard about. Remember that you can access these theories with a simple search on the web. I like to have an open mind and hope you do as well.

---

and that is all for today! what theory are you leaning towards? we should chat in the comments! please let me know what you thought of this feature and let me know about any topics you would like for me to cover. much love ❤

---

Instagram: @chicnerdreads
Twitter: @chicnerdreads

this poem wasn’t planned

i would never
suggest you
trying to be me.

for it is tiring
and sometimes
i cannot wrap
the things that
happen in my
brain.

for i always
feel the sense
of loss and
dream of it
often.

i hurt myself
with my own
thoughts.

i hurt myself
with every
moment i
think about
my past.

and when things settle,
there are times that i
don’t know who i am.
and how i got here.

my love poems are ghost stories

my lover, oh lover,
look what you’ve
done to me.
you’ve captured me
and broken my bones.
i have spilt blood
over you, and the
magic in my veins
has dispersed over the
n o t h i n g n e s s
you and i no
longer hold.
the tether to my soul
has been stripped away.

she says as a ghost
while sinking the
ship he is sailing.
she is the raging dark
storm he never saw coming.

you keep taunting me in my dreams.

if i were a ghost,
i wouldn’t haunt you.
i would haunt the
freedoms i never had
while being with you.

the oceans i never saw with you sing to me.

some kind of self-love

i have found to be
that love is not
as cruel as people
make it out to be.

that although
painful, it is
worthwhile
to have love.

the love that
you have for
yourself,
within
y o u r s e l f .

the love for
yourself
that carries you
and takes you
across oceans.

a type of self-love
that no one can
take away,
no matter who
comes along.

a love for
yourself
that is worth
breathing in
and living.

a self-love that
you will wade for.