on being absent and other things

depression is the elephant in the room
it is the answer to all the questions i get asked

depression is not the reason i don’t get out of bed
because i still do

depression doesn’t pay my bills
but it is the reason why i won’t see you
i avoid you
at all cost
i am scared
these tears will fall like summer rain
and it wasn’t even part of the forecast

depression

i never asked for this
this hollow feeling
my chest has been ripped out
and it hurts
everything hurts

i want to apologize for all the times
i haven’t been there for you
depression has been visiting me
and you know how it is
we need to be the best hosts to our guests

i’m sorry
i’m so sorry that i’m not present
i’m sorry that i forget to text back
i’m sorry for never DMing you that meme
i saw on instagram
i swear to everything i thought about you
i’m sorry for being such a shitty friend
i’m sorry

i hope you understand that i’ve been busy
attending my visitor who didn’t even bother
to let me know they were coming

being bipolar is an extreme sport

i never talk about this. being bipolar. because you automatically think that i’m happy one second and really angry the next. being bipolar is staying up all night researching the 3 states i’ll most likely move to, knowing the exact towns, looking at homes, calculating the money that i have/i’ll make and see if it’s worth the investment.

being bipolar is creating a thought in my head,painting a scenario, feeding it, yelling action, then yelling cut, adding another scene, taking away characters that don’t add up to the story, and finally falling asleep. but i only sleep for an hour or so at a time till my body twitches for the next fucking extremity. this next extremity is hungry for information. it’s 3 in the goddamn morning and i’m searching “cold cases” which subconsciously i know i shouldn’t do. you see, they’ll feed into my paranoia and when i’m in this extreme state, there is no stopping me, what is rationalizing?

nothing is satisfying me at this point, i’m delusional, i’ve written so many dark things on the notebook i keep on my nightstand. poems that i tell myself, maybe i’ll share them on instagram one day. now i’m thinking about instagram and my writing and i start getting angry at how the world thinks likes on instagram means success. what does success mean to me? it means quality, now i’m searching for books on being a quality writer and i’ve added all these books to my private wishlist on amazon. i already checked out these writers online but i don’t follow any of them. so i just keep writing and writing and writing, nonsense, none of it makes sense. my alarm rings at 6:50am but who needs an alarm when you’ve been up all night? my best friends text me wishing a great day. the guy who still checks on me from time to time tells me he loves me. my neighbor says good morning while he goes outside to smoke a cigarette. and no one knows that i’ve just had a manic episode and that soon i’ll isolate myself because i’m hollow now and i’m crying for no reason. i’m falling from the high.


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Mini Review Monday – Identical (Spoiler Free)

Hey everyone! Here I am with another Mini Review Monday created by me, where you write a short review for a book/series you haven’t reviewed on your blog. Because either you read the book before you started blogging or you never got around to it. If you decide to participate in this new meme, please feel free to leave a link to your post in the comments below. Also! Let the people know if it’s a non-spoiler/spoiler review.


Title: Identical
Author: Ellen Hopkins
Genre: YA, Realistic Fiction, Verse
Published: August 26, 2008
Read: Autumn of 2008
Rating: 5 out of 5 stars

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Synopsis from Goodreads:

Do twins begin in the womb?
Or in a better place?

Kaeleigh and Raeanne are identical down to the dimple. As daughters of a district-court judge father and a politician mother, they are an all-American family — on the surface. Behind the facade each sister has her own dark secret, and that’s where their differences begin.

For Kaeleigh, she’s the misplaced focus of Daddy’s love, intended for a mother whose presence on the campaign trail means absence at home. All that Raeanne sees is Daddy playing a game of favorites — and she is losing. If she has to lose, she will do it on her own terms, so she chooses drugs, alcohol, and sex.

Secrets like the ones the twins are harboring are not meant to be kept — from each other or anyone else. Pretty soon it’s obvious that neither sister can handle it alone, and one sister must step up to save the other, but the question is — who?


I will never forget my feelings and thought process while reading this book so many years ago. Till this day, this stands as one of my favorite books ever. It impacted me.

Ellen Hopkins is not only an author who writes in verse but she writes Realistic Fiction that has tons of trigger warnings. I’m not much into Realistic Fiction, however, Hopkins has always been an exception for me.

Identical isn’t only about twin sisters living this teenage rebellion. It’s about mental illness and survival. If you haven’t read any Ellen Hopkins books, please start with this one. You will not regret it.

Identical is told by both sisters, Kae and Rae. We the readers get to see the minds of these  twins who look exactly like one another living separate lives with so many secrets. Family plays a really big role here too with their actions and way of living because the twins are trying to prove something to each parent. But is that ever enough?

Identical will make you think what is right and wrong. Will make you think outside the box. This is not a light and fluffy read. This is a painful read with hard truths.

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Photo Credit Here


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