i never talk about this. being bipolar. because you automatically think that i’m happy one second and really angry the next. being bipolar is staying up all night researching the 3 states i’ll most likely move to, knowing the exact towns, looking at homes, calculating the money that i have/i’ll make and see if it’s worth the investment.
being bipolar is creating a thought in my head,painting a scenario, feeding it, yelling action, then yelling cut, adding another scene, taking away characters that don’t add up to the story, and finally falling asleep. but i only sleep for an hour or so at a time till my body twitches for the next fucking extremity. this next extremity is hungry for information. it’s 3 in the goddamn morning and i’m searching “cold cases” which subconsciously i know i shouldn’t do. you see, they’ll feed into my paranoia and when i’m in this extreme state, there is no stopping me, what is rationalizing?
nothing is satisfying me at this point, i’m delusional, i’ve written so many dark things on the notebook i keep on my nightstand. poems that i tell myself, maybe i’ll share them on instagram one day. now i’m thinking about instagram and my writing and i start getting angry at how the world thinks likes on instagram means success. what does success mean to me? it means quality, now i’m searching for books on being a quality writer and i’ve added all these books to my private wishlist on amazon. i already checked out these writers online but i don’t follow any of them. so i just keep writing and writing and writing, nonsense, none of it makes sense. my alarm rings at 6:50am but who needs an alarm when you’ve been up all night? my best friends text me wishing a great day. the guy who still checks on me from time to time tells me he loves me. my neighbor says good morning while he goes outside to smoke a cigarette. and no one knows that i’ve just had a manic episode and that soon i’ll isolate myself because i’m hollow now and i’m crying for no reason. i’m falling from the high.
Hi long time, I know. I hope you’re all well. I miss being here and honestly I don’t know what to do with this blog anymore lol. Yet, here we are. I want to talk about healing and all that good self stuff. Sometimes healing is this super tricky thing and I’ve noticed how much social media plays into portraying what healing looks like. Which makes me super fucking pissed because healing looks differently individually. If we all lived through the same shit, then yeah cool okay maybe healing would look the same but a healing journey isn’t some universal color corrector that works out equally for everyone. And I’m not trying to shit on the social media posts that talk about healing because trust and believe that I’ve retweeted some of those posts or have shared them on my Instagram stories and I’ll most likely keep doing that if I relate to them. I’m just saying that what works for you might not work for someone else or me because so many factors play into that. Factors of socioeconomic status, culture, the things we’ve been through, etc.
I’ve been in therapy for a whole year (I started March 2018). At first I was doing every week till November and because my therapist thought I was doing great, then we started every 2 weeks and now we’re at every 3. Let me tell you that when I started this journey of healing, almost everything I saw about healing on social media literally flew out the window for me. I realized that many of the things people were saying weren’t right for me. Yes, my healing journey has been hard and it’s required a lot of mental rewiring/training due to all the things I’ve been through but it’s also been an eye-opening experience filled with a lot of peace, honesty, and liberation. And so I question why people make out healing to be this horrid thing where you constantly get dragged over and over again? It’s as if healing is a monster that comes to greet us at the door every time we open it and that doesn’t sound very welcoming, does it?
This kind of also goes hand in hand with how people self-care and self-love. There’s been a lot of discussion on how people should take care of themselves, what’s “real” self-care and what’s not, what people do with their time to better themselves. So many opinions on what others do to better their mental health. And in my opinion, mind your fucking business and let people live. If it’s not harming anyone, if it’s not destroying our planet, if it’s not a crime, then why do you care so much about how people better themselves in their own way? You know for talking so much about peace, people are really good at disturbing that peace. And I feel like as a society we’re so consumed with what’s right or wrong when there isn’t a right or wrong with how we love and care and heal ourselves.
yes, you read that right!! amazon kindle unlimited!
which means if you have this feature it is free. whoop whoop!
once again thank you to everyone who’s been supporting me
and just being there for me with positivity. it means the world ❤
one day i met a guy
who stole my heart,
we created a world
and another day
he broke my heart
i took the tattered
pieces of this
broken soul and
– here lies the hurting, the healing, and the learning