to the conversations i replay in my head, here’s what i’d say instead

to the conversations i replay in my head,
here’s what i’d say instead:

1. what’s the point of you even trying to get to know me when you already made up your mind about me? you think i’m going to sit here and waste my time trying to convince you of who i am? you’re so stuck on me being where i’m from and the fact that i’m bipolar. so what if you read some fucking poems? stop calling me crazy. i already know that. i don’t need you or anybody reminding me of that. 

2. people are always saying they belong to the moon. that they’re moon children. well i’m not. i stay up with the moon but i’ve never belonged to her. i am a sun child. i just always end up hiding from the light that loves me and run with the darkness instead. because as soon as something good like light comes into my life, i expect it to abandon me right at the moment that i’m vulnerable. so i hide in the shadows of the moon instead because it’s so much easier. to not deal with the pain, you know?

3. i love you. i’ve waited a long time to tell you that.

4. i don’t like using terms of endearment anymore. it’s too personal and then men think i’m taking whatever we have way too seriously. i mean ask the men who i write poems about. i call them baby in my poems more than i fucking call them that in real life. wait, that means they would have to know the poems are about them. oh yikes. okay.

5. you should stop looking for me. if you wouldn’t have married the side chick, the woman that you cheated on me with, then maybe your life wouldn’t have been as messy. but you know what? you men never learn to stop fucking with a woman like me. i didn’t send anyone to fuck up your car but i’m glad that shit happened. you know how me and karma roll.

6. me being accepting of who i am and my sexuality isn’t going to damage your goddamn reputation or your image. don’t even mention me as your family member if you’re so embarrassed of me. i could care less who’s coming into the picture now, i’m not changing who i am for anyone. it took me years of self-sabotaging, of hating my body, of all this reckless abandon to finally….finally being okay with the woman i am, and you think i’m going to change that now? might as well start laughing now cause jokes on you.

7. if aliens came knocking on my door right now, i’d ask them to take me with them. i’d beg them to leave this planet because there’s nothing here for them but a bunch of morons. anyways, you mentioned deja vu. i think we experience it because there’s a parallel universe and sometimes we did something at the same time as our parallel that caused deja vu. i wonder what my parallel is doing. i wonder if she’s with that guy i always dreamed of being with one day. i hope she’s having a good time. i hope he’s getting her sunflowers. i hope she took him to south street seaport.

8. i’m so sorry about your dad dying. he was an amazing man. this isn’t fair at all. please let me know if you need anything, if there’s any way i can help. i want this pandemic to die just like you do. i’m sorry. i really am. is your mom okay? how’s your son holding up? here’s my number.

9. you feel like you don’t know me because you realized that i am more than my poems? wow. imagine that? being a person outside of the art? being a whole ass human being outside of a few words that i string along? being this complex woman who’s more than her heartache and the fight against women? being fun? did you think you were meeting someone broken that you needed to fix? because that’s condescending and utterly disrespectful for you to assume that i’m just a walking trauma.

10. tell me what you want. be specific. tell me so i won’t make mistakes when i see you. so i won’t push myself away when you tell me no. like can i choke you while i bite your lips and i’m straddled onto your hips? can we hold hands? can we just be? because i’ve made the decision that this time, i’m going to be very open with you.

– gretchen gomez

being bipolar is an extreme sport

i never talk about this. being bipolar. because you automatically think that i’m happy one second and really angry the next. being bipolar is staying up all night researching the 3 states i’ll most likely move to, knowing the exact towns, looking at homes, calculating the money that i have/i’ll make and see if it’s worth the investment.

being bipolar is creating a thought in my head,painting a scenario, feeding it, yelling action, then yelling cut, adding another scene, taking away characters that don’t add up to the story, and finally falling asleep. but i only sleep for an hour or so at a time till my body twitches for the next fucking extremity. this next extremity is hungry for information. it’s 3 in the goddamn morning and i’m searching “cold cases” which subconsciously i know i shouldn’t do. you see, they’ll feed into my paranoia and when i’m in this extreme state, there is no stopping me, what is rationalizing?

nothing is satisfying me at this point, i’m delusional, i’ve written so many dark things on the notebook i keep on my nightstand. poems that i tell myself, maybe i’ll share them on instagram one day. now i’m thinking about instagram and my writing and i start getting angry at how the world thinks likes on instagram means success. what does success mean to me? it means quality, now i’m searching for books on being a quality writer and i’ve added all these books to my private wishlist on amazon. i already checked out these writers online but i don’t follow any of them. so i just keep writing and writing and writing, nonsense, none of it makes sense. my alarm rings at 6:50am but who needs an alarm when you’ve been up all night? my best friends text me wishing a great day. the guy who still checks on me from time to time tells me he loves me. my neighbor says good morning while he goes outside to smoke a cigarette. and no one knows that i’ve just had a manic episode and that soon i’ll isolate myself because i’m hollow now and i’m crying for no reason. i’m falling from the high.

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Instagram: @chicnerdreads
Twitter: @chicnerdreads

this is a poem of how i break my own heart

this is a poem of how
i break my own heart

every single time
with every person
that has crossed
paths my way

i think about all
the ways you’ll
hurt me before
you ever see
my first smile

i think about how
much i’ll long for
you when we both
walk away from
whatever this is

i think about each
breath and how i’ll
become obsessed
reading your text
messages over and
over again just to
wear myself out

i think about how
i’ll see you with
someone else and
cry over the sadness
about how i’m going
through the same
shit again

and so i never
commit to anything
because i’ll be broken
before our first date

venom and fire shouldn’t be paired together

i take a few steps
back to look at the
scenery before me.

i wonder if maybe
i should spew the
words my heart
so much desires.

the scenery looks
like a wildfire filled
with disastrous
complications.

the scenery looks
to be filled with
more problems
than peace.

the scenery looks
like pain and
heartache.

the scenery looks
like a dead end
leading to absolutely
n o w h e r e .

these words will
only add more
fuel to a fire that
can’t be put out.

– my silence has always been the loudest conversation in the room

a letter to the moon

dear moon,

come sing to me
on the nights
i feel lonely.

know that you can
tell me your
darkest secrets
for i have them too.

please share with me
what the stars
have planned,
yet keep me
in suspense.

may i keep
you company?
you remind me
of myself.

sometimes i look
at you and wonder
if the clouds blanket
you with safety
when you don’t
want to be seen..

because the weight
of the world
probably rest on you,
knowing that i am
not the only person
writing this letter
to the moon.

it was 8:43am

demons
are
real

they exist through
my mental illness

the torment of
thoughts i go
through in my
mind is
unfathomable

i long for a day
that i wake up okay,
with strength and
courage to do
what is needed

yet for now,
they continuously
l i n g e r

showing in hues
of exhaustion
insecurities
and anxiety

something in regards to my poetry book

it is now available via
KINDLE UNLIMITED!!!!

yes, you read that right!! amazon kindle unlimited!
which means if you have this feature it is free. whoop whoop!
once again thank you to everyone who’s been supporting me
and just being there for me with positivity. it means the world ❤

Synopsis:

one day i met a guy
who stole my heart,
we created a world
for ourselves.
and another day
he broke my heart
and shattered
my soul.

i took the tattered
pieces of this
broken soul and
became anew.

– here lies the hurting, the healing, and the learning

 

 

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you can add it on goodreads here =)

my book is available via worldwide amazon platforms, barnes & noble, book depository, and createspace as well. stay tuned for some freebies in a very near future hehehe!!!

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Instagram: @chicnerdreads
Twitter: @ChicNerdReads
Goodreads: Gretchen (ChicNerdReads)