3 poems featured in girasol

hi friends! on september 1st, i made an announcement on twitter/instagram letting you all know that i was going to have a surprise on my birthday for you. i really wanted to surprise drop my poetry collection but as you know it, life happens and i refuse to give you half-assed art. with all that said, here’s 3 never-to-be-seen poems that will be featured in girasol.

if you’ve been here from the start, somewhere in the middle, or just got here, i want to say thank you. thank you for supporting me and for being patient. some days i feel like i know where girasol is headed and other days it grips me, demanding what needs to be said. i’ve learned that my art needs to be felt and not just told.

trigger warning for suicide and mentions of death.


september 19th, 2018 was the last time i tried taking a breath. it was the day before my 29th birthday. mami thought i went to do my nails for a celebration when in reality, i did them for my funeral. they were even a nude shade she liked. the weeks had passed by where i was being tormented. tortured thoughts of the girl who can never heal. who can never get over what’s been done and what’s been seen. those nights i would close my eyes and dream about the bodies that burned, the faces that i kept nameless, the hands that took my body without consent. and i tried so hard to not be consumed every night by the bottle. being sober and feeling the harsh loneliness that doesn’t apologize was overbearing at the least.

i had everything ready. the letters. the directions on how to publish my book that was releasing in a month. the pills. and don’t forget the paranoia. the way it creeps and keeps you up at night. feeling like someone is constantly watching and when you turn around, your shadow greets you and says “hi. i’ve been waiting for you.” and your shadow laughs right in your face.

that night papi asked me to go to church and i gave in. what’s one more night? i was not expecting God to meet me there nor to greet me. it had been a long time since we’ve communicated. God was an estranged father whom i was angry with. and there he was. waiting for me. in the form of a man who came up to me and said “don’t do it. do not kill yourself. who said I was done with you?”

i tossed the pills. burned the letters and directions. the paranoia stayed but i left that other girl behind on september 19th, 2018 and turned 29.

-gretchen gomez

reckless abandon pours from my mouth
some days i am unforgiving words
the violence escapes me
and i run after it
keeping it captive

softness is probably easier to swallow spew
what would i know
it slips off the hard edges
we have a hard time embracing one another
not like i’m standing here with open arms anyway

sitting at a crossroad with nowhere to go
expression and softness are closed off

soft words don’t exist for women like me
most of the time we are not heard
it is an interruption
a speak over
a protest over my expression

reckless abandon pours from my mouth
a roar
an anger
keeping it captive
this is how i am heard

-gretchen gomez

to the books that helped this broken heart of mine,
i want to say thank you.
i have traveled so many worlds for a small fee.
you have played an important role in my healing.

each page has transcended me.
taken me through various adventures
where i have lost myself
and didn’t want to come back to this reality.

how could i ever forget all the times
you have made me laugh, cry, and mostly
mended this soul of mine?

each word sows me back together.
my favorite quotes bringing me peace,
some have even given me clarity.

you have made me see situations differently.
i have learned so much from reading you,
grasping you, holding you tightly to my chest.
what is loneliness when i am with you?

there is a thrill to seeking you,
to not knowing what happens next.
i am an awe of all that you do for me.
so i keep searching after you.
leaving a piece of my heart behind with the last book.

and so to the books,
i once again say thank you.
for loving me something fiercely
and letting me love you in return.

-gretchen gomez


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September Wrap-Up 2019 (Birthday Edition + Books)

Hey there friends! As per usual, September is like Christmas for my family and I. A lot of birthday celebrations (including mines), parties, etc. Therefore, in September, I rarely if ever get any reading done. It’s been like this for years since I’ve been an avid reader. I just always find myself doing something other than reading on my free time.

For today’s post I’ll be talking about what I read, books I acquired, and what I did on my birthday!!! (in that order)


What I Read

 

  1. The Whisper Man by Alex North – DNF
    This is a thriller novel about a serial killer who’s now on the hunt again 20 years later. Although this book sounds amazing, I had a hard time getting into it. The writing style didn’t work for me. Ended up DNFing.
  2. The Nightingale by Kristin Hannah★★★★★
    A Historical Fiction novel set in WWII about 2 sisters and their survival. This book. Wow. Wow. Wow. There not enough words to describe everything I felt. I listened to the audiobook while also reading along and OMG did I cry! I now understand all the love and hype of this novel. I would highly recommend!
  3. Say You Still Love Me by K.A. Tucker★★★★★
    A second chance contemporary romance about two people who met when they both were camp counselors as teenagers. Something unbeknownst to us readers happens and 13 years later, they meet again. I ABSOLUTELY LOVED THIS BOOK!!! This book was such a page turner and it was so very cute. It was exactly what I needed.

Books Acquired

FE0A1EF3-6946-40BD-8DF6-BE8933FF9516This was my Book of the Month selections for September. I have only read one of the three. In my previous post, I had mentioned wanting to read This Tender Land and The Last Time I Lied. However, laugh out loud, that was clearly a joke. I do plan on getting to those in October though. While writing this post, I am 50 pages into The Last Time I Lied by Riley Sager which I am thoroughly enjoying. And so far, October, has been a pretty good reading month for me.

Like I always say every month, if you’re ever interested in BOTM, please let me know. I can send you my referral link and we both get a free book!

 

 

 

 


My 30th Birthday

This section is going to get a little personal. I turned 30 on September 20th. For those of you who don’t know, I have always hated birthdays. September is actually a very hard month for me mentally and emotionally. I wrote a poem about that, here it is if you want to get a sense of what I mean:

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“i was born in september. this month, where it’s supposed to be a celebration is usually the one where my darkest thoughts come alive. finally, not this year. it’s always been a little ironic since september is national suicide prevention month. if you or anyone you know is struggling please call 1-800-273-8255. they’re also available for online chat. you deserve to be here.”

I didn’t want a birthday celebration. I dislike parties. And this was a welcoming of a new decade while saying goodbye to my 20’s. I wrote a poem about that too!

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I took this birthday into my own hands and booked myself and my mami a flight to Las Vegas. In reality, we really went for the Grand Canyon (#1 on my bucket list) because that’s where I wanted to spend my birthday and I ended up doing just that. Among other things of course!

I had such an amazing time out there. I drove two hours to get there and I was emotional. This is something I’ve been wanting to do since I’ve seen photos of the Canyon (for years). I knew it was going to be an experience. Once we reached over a mountain while driving and saw the Grand Canyon, I started CRYING. Mami was clearly nervous because I was driving. However, the energy, the peace, the cleansing of soul is something that I cannot describe word for word, it simply needs to be felt and experienced. For the first time, I told myself “this is how every birthday should feel like, a welcoming.” And it most definitely was! I loved how I started off my 30th birthday!

While driving to the Grand Canyon we made a scenery stop and saw this beauty:

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After spending the day at the Grand Canyon and getting back to Vegas, we went to a birthday dinner at this amazing Cuban Restaurant (Cuba Cafe). The day after, we decided to go to Hoover Dam, Lake Mead, and Red Rock Canyon.

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That same night, we decided to take a walk in the Las Vegas Strip! I’ll be completely honest, I wasn’t really fond of everything there. I guess because I live in a huge city myself (NYC), therefore I felt like I was home all over again. I preferred the nature views instead of all the people lol. BUT I did take pictures! Some hotels were really beautiful inside. We also caught the Water Fountain show at the Bellagio.

On Sunday, after spending time at the hotel’s pool, we went to a Cirque du Soliel show called “O” which was amazing! My mom has never been to a show and I needed to take her to her first one. She loves water as well so I thought “O” was perfect since they do a lot of water works. No pictures of Cirque du Soliel except the ending because that wasn’t permitted. After the show, we went to Fremont Street which was fun and hilarious. We saw a lot of wild things.

Monday was our last day. We had to check out early from the hotel but our flight didn’t leave till later that night. Mami and I both decided that we wanted to see the mountains once more and so we drove to Boulder City, Arizona and went to Hemenway Park which is known for their bighorn sheep. We saw them walking and up-close. It was perfect. It was a great last day of our trip.

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We got home that Tuesday morning (9/24) and let’s just say that I fell in love with Arizona. I think I can safely say that a piece of my heart stood there. I’m extremely happy that I went to my number one spot from my bucket list (Grand Canyon). It was an ethereal experience. I can’t wait to go again and check out the North and South Rim. I also want to go to Sedona.

I’m grateful to have what I do in order to experience such greatness. And I am extremely blessed to be where I am at in life, with peace of mind and genuine happiness. I still have my lows but it’s great to know that I’m not the same person anymore, that I can overcome anything thrown my way, that I know how to cope with the hardship when it does come (thank you therapy). I know that one day New York won’t be home anymore and maybe one day I’ll bring you along with me when that journey comes.

If you’ve stood this far, thank you. I send all my love xo.

Life Update, Currently Reading, & September TBR

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Hi everyone! It’s been a while! Just out here enjoying life and still figuring out this new life schedule of mine. I read nothing but The Diviners in the month of August, therefore no August Wrap-Up will be posted. Instead of reading, I watched all the seasons of La Casa De Papel and How To Get Away With Murder. I was also having fun and going out. Sometimes I think of doing blog posts of places I’ve visited. However, I’m the type of person who likes to enjoy the moment rather than take pictures of every single thing so I guess that’s a wrap lol.

giphy-55ALSO!!!!!!!!! It’s September!!! Which means it’s my birthday month!!! I turn 30 on the 20th. I’ll be going to Vegas and the Grand Canyon (team virgo all day every day!! earth sign gang!!!). I have a lot going on, many of my loved ones also celebrate their birthday this month. Therefore, I know that audiobooks will be my best friend cause I won’t be getting much reading done. It’s alright though! I refuse to be hard on myself because life is worth living and I love being a happy bitch.

Okay but now that I’ve given you a little life update, let’s get to the books because that’s what y’all are here for!

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Currently Reading

21853621In love we find out who we want to be. In war we find out who we are.

France, 1939
In the quiet village of Carriveau, Vianne Mauriac says goodbye to her husband, Antoine, as he heads for the Front. She doesn’t believe that the Nazis will invade France…but invade they do, in droves of marching soldiers, in caravans of trucks and tanks, in planes that fill the skies and drop bombs upon the innocent. When France is overrun, Vianne is forced to take an enemy into her house, and suddenly her every move is watched; her life and her child’s life is at constant risk. Without food or money or hope, as danger escalates around her, she must make one terrible choice after another.

Vianne’s sister, Isabelle, is a rebellious eighteen-year-old girl, searching for purpose with all the reckless passion of youth. While thousands of Parisians march into the unknown terrors of war, she meets the compelling and mysterious Gäetan, a partisan who believes the French can fight the Nazis from within France, and she falls in love as only the young can…completely. When he betrays her, Isabelle races headlong into danger and joins the Resistance, never looking back or giving a thought to the real–and deadly–consequences.

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Currently listening via audiobook and reading along with paperback. I’m close to the 200 page mark and loving it! I can definitely see why this is a favorite. It’s gripping! Every time I put it down, I look forward to picking it back up.

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September TBR

So many books, so little time! I have a little TBR pile that’s sitting on my bedside. However, it’ll be getting side eyed this month. Therefore I chose three books that I’m sure I can get too; one hardcover book, one audiobook, and one ebook (two of them mostly for my plane rides to and from vegas/nyc).

Hardcover Book (Historical Fiction):

25813942For fans of Before We Were Yours and Where the Crawdads Sing, a magnificent novel about four orphans on a life-changing odyssey during the Great Depression, from the New York Timesbestselling author of Ordinary Grace.

1932, Minnesota—the Lincoln School is a pitiless place where hundreds of Native American children, forcibly separated from their parents, are sent to be educated. It is also home to an orphan named Odie O’Banion, a lively boy whose exploits earn him the superintendent’s wrath. Forced to flee, he and his brother Albert, their best friend Mose, and a brokenhearted little girl named Emmy steal away in a canoe, heading for the mighty Mississippi and a place to call their own.

Over the course of one unforgettable summer, these four orphans will journey into the unknown and cross paths with others who are adrift, from struggling farmers and traveling faith healers to displaced families and lost souls of all kinds. With the feel of a modern classic, This Tender Land is an en­thralling, big-hearted epic that shows how the magnificent American landscape connects us all, haunts our dreams, and makes us whole.

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Audiobook/Hardcover (Thriller):

36626748._SY475_Two Truths and a Lie. The girls played it all the time in their tiny cabin at Camp Nightingale. Vivian, Natalie, Allison, and first-time camper Emma Davis, the youngest of the group. The games ended when Emma sleepily watched the others sneak out of the cabin in the dead of night. The last she—or anyone—saw of them was Vivian closing the cabin door behind her, hushing Emma with a finger pressed to her lips.

Now a rising star in the New York art scene, Emma turns her past into paintings—massive canvases filled with dark leaves and gnarled branches that cover ghostly shapes in white dresses. The paintings catch the attention of Francesca Harris-White, the socialite and wealthy owner of Camp Nightingale. When Francesca implores her to return to the newly reopened camp as a painting instructor, Emma sees an opportunity to try to find out what really happened to her friends.

Yet it’s immediately clear that all is not right at Camp Nightingale. Already haunted by memories from fifteen years ago, Emma discovers a security camera pointed directly at her cabin, mounting mistrust from Francesca and, most disturbing of all, cryptic clues Vivian left behind about the camp’s twisted origins. As she digs deeper, Emma finds herself sorting through lies from the past while facing threats from both man and nature in the present.

And the closer she gets to the truth about Camp Nightingale, the more she realizes it may come at a deadly price.

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Ebook (Suspenseful Romance):

36602208._SY475_“Must be slim, able to stand for long periods of time, and be impervious to the cold.”
The headline caught my attention.
“Hours are negotiable, pay is minimal, clothing absolutely forbidden.”
The second line piqued my curiosity.
“Able to hold your bladder and tongue, refrain from opinions or suggestions, and be the perfect living canvas.”
The third made me scowl.
“Other attributes required: non-ticklish, contortionist, and obedient. Must also enjoy being studied while naked in a crowd.”
The fourth made me shudder.
“Call or email ‘YOUR SKIN, HIS CANVAS’ if interested in applying.”
The final made my heart race.
I should’ve kept scrolling past the advertisement.
I should’ve applied for the boring receptionist job at minimum wage.
I should’ve clicked on any other job where I got to keep my clothes on.
But I didn’t.
I applied.
My interview is tomorrow…

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That’s all for today! Any fun things you got going on in September? What books do you plan on reading? Let me know in the comments xo

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