it’s all muted blue
the walls,
the love,
the sunflowers,
and there are no colors to paint it over
i cannot find them
it has been 5109 days
and i might just start counting again
it has been 1309 days
and it might just be the last
what is will?
the fox died some time ago
and the sunflowers are wilting too
what is purpose?
if the music doesn’t feel alive
the words are only a collection of jumbled letters
and i only see blue at the end of the tunnel
– gretchen gomez
to the conversations i replay in my head,
here’s what i’d say instead:
1. what’s the point of you even trying to get to know me when you already made up your mind about me? you think i’m going to sit here and waste my time trying to convince you of who i am? you’re so stuck on me being where i’m from and the fact that i’m bipolar. so what if you read some fucking poems? stop calling me crazy. i already know that. i don’t need you or anybody reminding me of that.
2. people are always saying they belong to the moon. that they’re moon children. well i’m not. i stay up with the moon but i’ve never belonged to her. i am a sun child. i just always end up hiding from the light that loves me and run with the darkness instead. because as soon as something good like light comes into my life, i expect it to abandon me right at the moment that i’m vulnerable. so i hide in the shadows of the moon instead because it’s so much easier. to not deal with the pain, you know?
3. i love you. i’ve waited a long time to tell you that.
4. i don’t like using terms of endearment anymore. it’s too personal and then men think i’m taking whatever we have way too seriously. i mean ask the men who i write poems about. i call them baby in my poems more than i fucking call them that in real life. wait, that means they would have to know the poems are about them. oh yikes. okay.
5. you should stop looking for me. if you wouldn’t have married the side chick, the woman that you cheated on me with, then maybe your life wouldn’t have been as messy. but you know what? you men never learn to stop fucking with a woman like me. i didn’t send anyone to fuck up your car but i’m glad that shit happened. you know how me and karma roll.
6. me being accepting of who i am and my sexuality isn’t going to damage your goddamn reputation or your image. don’t even mention me as your family member if you’re so embarrassed of me. i could care less who’s coming into the picture now, i’m not changing who i am for anyone. it took me years of self-sabotaging, of hating my body, of all this reckless abandon to finally….finally being okay with the woman i am, and you think i’m going to change that now? might as well start laughing now cause jokes on you.
7. if aliens came knocking on my door right now, i’d ask them to take me with them. i’d beg them to leave this planet because there’s nothing here for them but a bunch of morons. anyways, you mentioned deja vu. i think we experience it because there’s a parallel universe and sometimes we did something at the same time as our parallel that caused deja vu. i wonder what my parallel is doing. i wonder if she’s with that guy i always dreamed of being with one day. i hope she’s having a good time. i hope he’s getting her sunflowers. i hope she took him to south street seaport.
8. i’m so sorry about your dad dying. he was an amazing man. this isn’t fair at all. please let me know if you need anything, if there’s any way i can help. i want this pandemic to die just like you do. i’m sorry. i really am. is your mom okay? how’s your son holding up? here’s my number.
9. you feel like you don’t know me because you realized that i am more than my poems? wow. imagine that? being a person outside of the art? being a whole ass human being outside of a few words that i string along? being this complex woman who’s more than her heartache and the fight against women? being fun? did you think you were meeting someone broken that you needed to fix? because that’s condescending and utterly disrespectful for you to assume that i’m just a walking trauma.
10. tell me what you want. be specific. tell me so i won’t make mistakes when i see you. so i won’t push myself away when you tell me no. like can i choke you while i bite your lips and i’m straddled onto your hips? can we hold hands? can we just be? because i’ve made the decision that this time, i’m going to be very open with you.
– gretchen gomez
depression is the elephant in the room
it is the answer to all the questions i get asked
depression is not the reason i don’t get out of bed
because i still do
depression doesn’t pay my bills
but it is the reason why i won’t see you
i avoid you
at all cost
i am scared
these tears will fall like summer rain
and it wasn’t even part of the forecast
depression
i never asked for this
this hollow feeling
my chest has been ripped out
and it hurts
everything hurts
i want to apologize for all the times
i haven’t been there for you
depression has been visiting me
and you know how it is
we need to be the best hosts to our guests
i’m sorry
i’m so sorry that i’m not present
i’m sorry that i forget to text back
i’m sorry for never DMing you that meme
i saw on instagram
i swear to everything i thought about you
i’m sorry for being such a shitty friend
i’m sorry
i hope you understand that i’ve been busy
attending my visitor who didn’t even bother
to let me know they were coming
you say feminist like if i’m going home
with you tonight. you say feminist like if
we flirtin’ all night. like if..life if i’m gettin’
wet for you tonight. oh, you ain’t know?
it’s the sahara desert down there.
you say feminist the same way you
say babygirl and mami. you know i
like that shit. you say it like if..like if
you’re waiting for me to call you papi.
the only man i call papi is my papi.
the man who gave me life and wings to fly.
you say feminist in the same breath you
degrade women. like if..like if i’m supposed
to take that as a compliment. like if a man
runs up on her, you expect me to say that
she deserves it cause her skirt too short.
oh you ain’t know? i like wearing the skirts
and the dresses that hug the curves i was
blessed with. does that mean i deserved it too?
you say feminist like if gold drips out your
mouth and i’m supposed to swallow it.
thank you for the flaunting, i’ll see myself out now.
i never talk about this. being bipolar. because you automatically think that i’m happy one second and really angry the next. being bipolar is staying up all night researching the 3 states i’ll most likely move to, knowing the exact towns, looking at homes, calculating the money that i have/i’ll make and see if it’s worth the investment.
being bipolar is creating a thought in my head,painting a scenario, feeding it, yelling action, then yelling cut, adding another scene, taking away characters that don’t add up to the story, and finally falling asleep. but i only sleep for an hour or so at a time till my body twitches for the next fucking extremity. this next extremity is hungry for information. it’s 3 in the goddamn morning and i’m searching “cold cases” which subconsciously i know i shouldn’t do. you see, they’ll feed into my paranoia and when i’m in this extreme state, there is no stopping me, what is rationalizing?
nothing is satisfying me at this point, i’m delusional, i’ve written so many dark things on the notebook i keep on my nightstand. poems that i tell myself, maybe i’ll share them on instagram one day. now i’m thinking about instagram and my writing and i start getting angry at how the world thinks likes on instagram means success. what does success mean to me? it means quality, now i’m searching for books on being a quality writer and i’ve added all these books to my private wishlist on amazon. i already checked out these writers online but i don’t follow any of them. so i just keep writing and writing and writing, nonsense, none of it makes sense. my alarm rings at 6:50am but who needs an alarm when you’ve been up all night? my best friends text me wishing a great day. the guy who still checks on me from time to time tells me he loves me. my neighbor says good morning while he goes outside to smoke a cigarette. and no one knows that i’ve just had a manic episode and that soon i’ll isolate myself because i’m hollow now and i’m crying for no reason. i’m falling from the high.
Instagram: @chicnerdreads
Twitter: @chicnerdreads
My debut poetry collection turns 2 years old today and it is FREE on Kindle for two days (today and tomorrow)! It is free on all amazon platforms. Share with your friends/family/loved ones/etc.!
one day i met a guy
who stole my heart,
we created a world
for ourselves.
and another day
he broke my heart
and shattered
my soul.
i took the tattered
pieces of this
broken soul and
became anew.
– here lies the hurting, the healing, and the learning
(please be advised this book has mature content)
This morning while I was writing my morning pages, I wrote about how I couldn’t believe it’s been 2 years since this book has released. So much has happened, so much has changed, and I am very grateful of where this journey has taken me. I have seen the fruit of my labor and this journey has opened so many doors. The lives that this book has touched is something I never pictured. Countless times I have thought of removing this book from the shelves and countless times people have come to me privately to talk about how this book has changed their lives. It’s no longer about me, it’s about them and their healing. I want to say thank you. My gratitude is endless.
Instagram: @chicnerdreads
Twitter: @chicnerdreads
AHHHH!!!!!!!!!! IT IS HERE!!! MY SECOND POETRY COLLECTION IS OUT TO THE WORLD!!! THE ONE THAT BELONGED TO THIS VERY BLOG TITLED AS “PEOPLE I ONCE KNEW” BACK IN LATE 2016-EARLY 2017.
welcome to ghost town is available to purchase via amazon worldwide and other online retailers. it’s also available via paperback and kindle edition. i am honestly so speechless that i get to type my second announcement like this to the world. this collection has been such an emotional ride. it’s very different from my debut love, and you. i’m just you know, freaking out!!!
the blogging community has really played a key part in me releasing this collection. it’s raw, it’s sad, it’s not hopeful like the first one. welcome to ghost town really broke me because i went deep into traumatic experiences. this one has a trigger warnings list and an authors note. and yeah i’m super nervous and scared about people reading this to be honest. like i don’t know what to expect so i’ll sit here and cry.
talking about crying….THANK YOU FOR THIS!!
please hold…..HOLY SH!T I AM A MESS
these are the stories of
people i once knew.
they have come and
gone like ghosts in
the night. you might
not be a part of my
life anymore but
you’re still the ghosts
who haunt me.
– welcome to ghost town
thanks so much for being there!
i write today with sadness / all that’s left of me / here drenched for the world to see / i count lately / i count how long i’ll last here / i count the time i have / the time to my explosion / here is my truth / i’ve become a ghost myself / the insanity is me now / depression is a home where i lay my head to rest and i can’t find a way to move out / i am trapped here / i find a window to escape from / somehow i come back / i write today with sadness / i’ve always written with sadness / here is the truth you don’t see
hey everyone!!! i know it’s been a very long time. i hope you are all doing well. life has been really busy and honestly i haven’t read this year at all (i mean i read one book and i didn’t even love it tbh) but that’s for another post! i’m currently writing this and super emotional because this second poetry collection wouldn’t be here without any of you. this poetry collection started here on this blog in august of 2016 as people i once knew. i remember posting about two poems a month in regards to this blog series. and your feedback and love for each and every poem is something that has really helped me write this book. this collection has been really hard to write and a different process from love, and you. here’s the cover to people i once knew now titled welcome to ghost town.
welcome to ghost town is divided into 25 ghosts (parts) and each has the original poem that was on this blog plus 2-5 more shorter poems after. this is the synopsis:
these are the stories of
people i once knew.
they have come and
gone like ghosts in
the night. you might
not be a part of my
life anymore but
you’re still the ghosts
who haunt me.
– welcome to ghost town
this collection releases october 23rd and you can officially add it on goodreads!
Instagram: @chicnerdreads
Twitter: @chicnerdreads
chicnerdreads 