3 poems featured in girasol

hi friends! on september 1st, i made an announcement on twitter/instagram letting you all know that i was going to have a surprise on my birthday for you. i really wanted to surprise drop my poetry collection but as you know it, life happens and i refuse to give you half-assed art. with all that said, here’s 3 never-to-be-seen poems that will be featured in girasol.

if you’ve been here from the start, somewhere in the middle, or just got here, i want to say thank you. thank you for supporting me and for being patient. some days i feel like i know where girasol is headed and other days it grips me, demanding what needs to be said. i’ve learned that my art needs to be felt and not just told.

trigger warning for suicide and mentions of death.


september 19th, 2018 was the last time i tried taking a breath. it was the day before my 29th birthday. mami thought i went to do my nails for a celebration when in reality, i did them for my funeral. they were even a nude shade she liked. the weeks had passed by where i was being tormented. tortured thoughts of the girl who can never heal. who can never get over what’s been done and what’s been seen. those nights i would close my eyes and dream about the bodies that burned, the faces that i kept nameless, the hands that took my body without consent. and i tried so hard to not be consumed every night by the bottle. being sober and feeling the harsh loneliness that doesn’t apologize was overbearing at the least.

i had everything ready. the letters. the directions on how to publish my book that was releasing in a month. the pills. and don’t forget the paranoia. the way it creeps and keeps you up at night. feeling like someone is constantly watching and when you turn around, your shadow greets you and says “hi. i’ve been waiting for you.” and your shadow laughs right in your face.

that night papi asked me to go to church and i gave in. what’s one more night? i was not expecting God to meet me there nor to greet me. it had been a long time since we’ve communicated. God was an estranged father whom i was angry with. and there he was. waiting for me. in the form of a man who came up to me and said “don’t do it. do not kill yourself. who said I was done with you?”

i tossed the pills. burned the letters and directions. the paranoia stayed but i left that other girl behind on september 19th, 2018 and turned 29.

-gretchen gomez

reckless abandon pours from my mouth
some days i am unforgiving words
the violence escapes me
and i run after it
keeping it captive

softness is probably easier to swallow spew
what would i know
it slips off the hard edges
we have a hard time embracing one another
not like i’m standing here with open arms anyway

sitting at a crossroad with nowhere to go
expression and softness are closed off

soft words don’t exist for women like me
most of the time we are not heard
it is an interruption
a speak over
a protest over my expression

reckless abandon pours from my mouth
a roar
an anger
keeping it captive
this is how i am heard

-gretchen gomez

to the books that helped this broken heart of mine,
i want to say thank you.
i have traveled so many worlds for a small fee.
you have played an important role in my healing.

each page has transcended me.
taken me through various adventures
where i have lost myself
and didn’t want to come back to this reality.

how could i ever forget all the times
you have made me laugh, cry, and mostly
mended this soul of mine?

each word sows me back together.
my favorite quotes bringing me peace,
some have even given me clarity.

you have made me see situations differently.
i have learned so much from reading you,
grasping you, holding you tightly to my chest.
what is loneliness when i am with you?

there is a thrill to seeking you,
to not knowing what happens next.
i am an awe of all that you do for me.
so i keep searching after you.
leaving a piece of my heart behind with the last book.

and so to the books,
i once again say thank you.
for loving me something fiercely
and letting me love you in return.

-gretchen gomez


i would love to know your thoughts. thank you for stopping by!
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3 thoughts on “3 poems featured in girasol

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